Hillary Clinton has finally announced that she’s running for president, and unless you’ve been living in an underground bunker for the last 20 years, you probably aren’t surprised. However, running for president requires a lot of mental energy, and as such, certain things about Hillary are going to change, including her inner monologue. Here are a few of Hillary’s inner monologues now that she’s running for president.
Getting Breakfast in the morning
Hmmm, what do I want to order? I haven’t been to a Denny’s in months. I never really did like their menu; you know you’re more of an Ihop kind of powerful woman Hillary. Ooooo, that omelet looks nice; I think I’ll get that. Great, now that I’ve decided what to eat, the next step is making sure my waiter and everyone else in here votes for me next year. What should you do Hillary (You powerful woman you)? Oh, the waiter’s coming! Okay, ummm “Hello, I’d like to order the country omlete with American cheese. Also, I don’t know if you could tell, but I’m Hillary Clinton…” Stand on the table Hillary “and I’m running for president next year!” Give everyone in here a little smile …annnnnnnd…. nailed it.
Deciding to get a colonic
I’ve been pretty constipated lately. But I did have a meeting with members of the United Nations to discuss foreign policy, so what was I expecting, an empty colon? No way. Getting a colonic seems like it would be pretty uncomfortable though…you know what? Getting a colonic could help me appeal to people with empty bowels, there’s a demographic people aren’t hitting hard enough! “Excuse me miss, I’m Hillary Clinton: powerful female Politician. Now tell me, if you knew that my colon was emptier than the L.A River, would you be more inclined to vote for me next year?” Hmmm, I’ll take that blank stare as a yes. Less constipation and more votes? Hillary Clinton, colonic for one!
Helping A Man Who’s Choking To Death
God, this political lunch in is so boring. Oh wait, what’s wrong with the governor of Michigan? Is he choking on that sausage roll? He definitely is! It doesn’t seem like anyone’s noticed yet…okay Hillary! You have 3 options:
1. Let everyone know and get somebody to help him.
2. Say nothing and continue to pretend like I’m interested in this conversation with Michelle Obama. Ugh, every woman hates when her husband snores, get over yourself…
3. Rush into action and give him the Heimlich maneuver
Saving a republican governor from choking on a sausage roll could really help me steal some of their votes. I bet Sarah Palin would never give a man the Heimlich maneuver, weak ass. All right Hillary, let’s save this guy.
Hillary Clinton runs over to the governor and gives him the Heimlich maneuver. He coughs up the sausage roll.
“Oh, no need to thank me governor, I’m just doing what any powerful female presidential candidate what do”. Nailed it.
Watching Season One of “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”
Man has it been a while since I watched this! Now that I think about it, this show was one of the things that got me through Bill cheating on me with Monica Lewinsky. It was comforting to watch a strong black family keep it together every week. And when I have my interview with the Huffington Post tomorrow, I’m definitely going to mention that I’m binge watching this show. That should help these 90’s babies get off their asses and go vote for me. I can already see the title of the article “Hillary Clinton: America’s Powerful Female Fresh Prince?” Oval office here I come.
Giving A Speech
All right Hillary, no need to be nervous. I’m just talking to girl scouts and letting them know that Beyoncé was right: you can be girl AND run the world. Hell they’re looking at the future president of the United States. All right, so I’ve got my notes, did my research, mingled with their parents, and had a few glamor shots taken of me. It’s game time Hillary. “Hello girl scouts of America! I’m Hillary Clinton, and my colon is emptier than a plastic bag blowing in the wind!” Nailed it.
I don’t exactly know why I decided to get these cornrows, but as a powerful woman, I don’t regret my decision. “Thank you for doing my hair Shawna! And to everyone in this salon: I’m Hillary Clinton, vote for me.”