I got married two weeks ago. Ladies, please. Control yourselves. I understand how devastated you are about this news, but it gets better. You will absolutely learn to cope. It was just something I had to do. Based on my demographic understanding of the website I’m writing this for, you, the reader, are very likely younger than me. As such, you aren’t quite ready to accept the siren song of commitment just yet, or at least you don’t think you are. As someone sitting comfortably on the other side of the matrimonial divide, I can tell you it’s worth it. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that I recommend marriage to all of you kids out there. Here’s a few good reasons to drop everything and pop the question to your bae:
The Reception Is the Best Party You’ll Ever Have
If you get married, promise me you don’t skimp on the reception. It’s worth it to spend a little extra on booze just to see your family get drunk and behave like 12-year-olds. OMG, is that my Aunt Judy grinding up on the DJ while he spins “Pony” by Ginuwine? Yes, yes it is. Let her have her moment.
You Have Someone to Run Your Life for You
Maybe this makes me weird, but I don’t enjoy making decisions for myself. It takes up a bunch of mental energy that I just can’t spare. Who cares if my socks match my shirt? Does it really matter what we eat for dinner? Imagine a world where all of your days are planned by someone else. You never have to choose between Chinese and pizza ever again. Try to contain your excitement.
You Can Finally Fart Without Fear
There are plenty of couples out there who fart in front of each other. It’s hard not to in an era where living with your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t just a step forward in a relationship, it’s also a financial necessity. Still, aren’t you always afraid that this fart is going to be the one that’s just too gross? There’s always the lingering possibility that you’ll expel something so heinous that there’s no chance you’ll be able to keep your lover from dumping you. Not after you get married! Fart away, you monster!
Christmas Presents. Lots of Christmas Presents.
Your mom. Your dad. Your siblings. Cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. Don’t forget your father-in-law, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and family friends. Sorry to sound so crass, but you’ve hit the jackpot, kiddo. You have 21 shopping days left to put a ring on it!
You Can Delete All Your Dating Apps
Aren’t you sick of right-swiping and left-swiping on Tinder? Would you rather pour motor oil down your own throat than get rejected again on OKCupid? Tired of spending Friday night at home bingewatching infomercials for OxyClean at 3 AM? Then, get married! Find the nearest breathing human and hug them. Just hold onto them really tight. Don’t let go. If they don’t immediately try to run away, you’ve found a life partner.
Sunday Now Has a Purpose Beyond “The Day You Recover from Saturday”
The only thing I used to get done on Sundays was getting over my hangover. Now, because I spend most of my time at home, I can think clearly on Sunday. I don’t have a throbbing headache or an urge to bury myself alive. I clean my house. I cook. I run errands. I read things. What is this life? Do I really deserve to live pain-free? Have I earned the right to complete the entire New York Times Crossword? Should I really have enough time in my weekend to get my car washed and clip my toenails? I guess I do.
Someone Else Will Help Pay for Your Therapy
Speaking of being lonely, it can get kind of lonely in therapy. Have you considered getting a “therapy buddy”? That’s my little nickname for my wife. She’s my “therapy buddy,” because she’s always there for me and always has something to say—usually complaints about how I’m constantly farting and forcing her to decide what to eat for dinner. We have a good time together.