You might think itâs a shameful form of whining to complain about race, as itâs truly a thing we all have no control over. I canât afford to lighten my skin. Iâm not Beyonce-rich, you know? The inflexible nature of ethnicity is exactly why I should be able to be upset though. Itâd be great to have a tiny bit more agency in life in a variety of areas. I canât choose when to fill up my gas tank. Once itâs empty, I have to buy more gas in order to continue driving my car. I donât get to tell my girlfriend when Valentineâs Day is. Actually, she gets to tell me whatever she wants.
On the other hand, if everyone got to choose their race, weâd all end up being white so we could grow up to be movie stars, politicians, TV hosts, or CEOs. But then who would invent our dance moves? Who could we count on to create the term âbasic bitchâ? Who will make our Tyler Perry movies? Sounds like a dystopian nightmare to me.
So, weâre stuck with our races. With that in mind, please indulge me the chance to pinpoint 15 rather unpleasant aspects of being of the darker persuasion.
1. Slavery. Talk about a bummer!
2. Barack Obama is president, so now everyone thinks you run the world. You donât.
3. Everyone wants you to pick the music at parties. What if you are the one black guy who hates music?
4. Whenever something racially questionable or just outright racist happens in the news, people ask you your opinion. I donât even watch the news. Most of the time, Iâm watching Scandal!
5. People you know might be out getting shot right now â potentially by the police.
6. A common maxim is âblack donât crack.â But I do have wrinkles. I look appreciably older now than I did ten years ago. Think about what that does to my self-esteem.
7. If you dress preppy, other black people can claim youâre an âUncle Tomâ that wants to be white. Actually, when you say that, youâre being counter-revolutionary. White people have been appropriating our culture for decades now. Itâs time to turn the tables and appropriate their culture. Carlton from Fresh Prince is an icon for this movement, and Kerry Washington is our Che Guevara. Viva le revolution!
8. When you date a white person, your family and friends say you want âcream in your coffee.â I donât drink coffee.
9. You have to learn to live with the fact that you are in the demographic for Tyler Perry movies.
10. Did I mention slavery yet? That was rough.
11. People are constantly trying to keep you from voting with sneaky voter ID laws in states with burgeoning minority populations. Do not give me another reason to stay home and watch Scandal!
12. Youâre always reminding people that youâre black. âAs a black manâŚâ is a common way for me to start a sentence. âAs a black man, I get pulled over by the police frequently.â âAs a black man, I have a responsibility to raise a stable, healthy family.â âAs a black man, I would really like to take the trash out, honey.â âAs a black man, I do not feel comfortable singing karaoke.â UghâŚ
13. Black History Month. Too much pressure to have our own month. What about Black History Day? Seems a bit more manageable.
14. People telling you how much they like grits. Grits are nasty! Itâs like someone with a sinus infection coughed on your plate.
15. Slavery. Seriously, it was bad.
Buy Dave Schillingâs book, Letters from My Therapist. When youâre done reading it, youâll swear he was white.
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