I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re about to get fired. Now, now, now. It’s not the end of the world. It could be much worse. You could have Ebola. You could have cancer. Your mom could make you stop using her HBOGo account right before season two of True Detective starts. It’s not all bad… but it kind of is.
All jobs end — either if you want them to or not. It’s just that at this point, you’re being forced out the door by a system that doesn’t understand how valuable you are. You! The cutie with the corne.r office and a quip for every break room encounter! How could they fire you? How did you not know? Here are ten signs that your days are numbered, friend.
1. Other employees avoid making eye contact with you. Instead of the standard head nod or casual grin, you get the sideways glance where the other person speeds up to avoid having to talk to you. Beware the sideways speed-up at all costs.
2. Whenever you offer to take on a new project, your boss makes up a reason why someone else will be doing the project instead of you. “I think, um, Bob would do a great job collating that data set due to this… um… unique ability to overcome certain obstacles. You just… keep doing your thing.” Your “thing” entails packing your shit ASAP and updating your resume.
3. The office manager forgot to get cupcakes for your birthday. Don’t get upset about this. Do you really want to socialize with these people? You should be out networking.
4. They’ve turned your parking spot into a chicken coop. Since when did your cubicle-mate raise chickens? Is this a new hobby? Is he selling them at a farmer’s market or slaughtering them himself? Is there a better place to do this than your parking space? Oh, you’re getting fired, so no.
5. You received an email from your boss at 6:02 PM (two whole minutes after you’ve left for the day) with the subject line “Important Meeting Tomorrow.” The body of the email reads, “Please join me for an important meeting at 9:30 AM tomorrow.” What meeting? What’s so important? Can we have this meeting at Dave & Buster’s?
6. You lost the office Halloween costume contest despite easily having the best costume. You dressed as Zombie Walter White, got a professional make-up artist to help out, and even shaved your head the night before. You’re dedicated and no one noticed. Something must be amiss.
7. Even when you finish something that seemed like it was important a week ago, your boss now says, “It can wait.” What? It can wait? Wait for what? My imminent demise?
8. The person you flirt with at the office no longer saves the last poppyseed bagel for you on Bagel Fridays. There’s nothing more humbling than being on your own on Bagel Fridays. You used to be above the scrum that inevitably ensues the first ten minutes after the bagels are displayed. Someone had your back — used to have your back, that is. Now, you’re lucky if you can get the weird strawberry bagel and the reduced fat salmon cream cheese.
9. You used to be able to get all kinds of unwarranted attention from co-workers just by bringing your dog to the office. People would gather around to watch you make your pup sit, fetch, play dead, and various other bullshit “tricks.” With the stench of death on you, it doesn’t matter how adorably your dog’s ears droop or his butt wiggles.
10. The chicken coop has now moved from your parking space to your desk. Why would you put chickens indoors? That’s just cruel to the chickens, in addition to being uncomfortable for the staff. Also, the janitors have to clean up the chicken poop. I mean, it’s a lose-lose situation. The writing is on the wall. You’re expendable and someone in the office wants you to know, while simultaneously raising chickens for some unknown reason. Maybe ask HR on your way out.