Whenever I tell my friends, co-workers, strangers, grocery store clerks, and parole officers that I don’t have sex with my girlfriend 15 times a week, they look at me as though I’ve told them that my last living relative has seven different terminal illnesses. “Are you okay?” they ask me. “What are you doing about it?” I’m not doing anything about it. I happen to think that the frequency of sexual activity between me and my life partner is completely normal for a committed couple that lives together. What that rate of copulation is, I won’t tell you. You’ll just have to guess (because if I told you, I’m pretty sure my girlfriend would punch me when she gets home tonight).
The point I’m trying to make is that life goes on, whether or not you’re having sex like two rabbits that just did a ton of coke. Being with someone you love who loves you back is a reward in and of itself. Here are eight things you can do to keep things exciting in your relationship other than, y’know…
1. Stay in and watch a good movie.
You’re going to need a lot of quality alone time together. You both work tough jobs, and don’t get to see each other as much as you’d like. Pop on a fun rom-com or an episode of Scandal and do some hardcore snuggling. Physical touch is important, even if it’s non-sexual. The closer you literally are to your spouse, the closer you’ll feel. But you’re going to get hungry sitting around so…
2. Learn to cook dinner.
You will get major brownie points with your significant other just from learning to make a healthy, nutritious meal. Your lover will be impressed at the effort you’re making, and might even be so turned on that they have sex with you. (Probably not, but at least you tried!) However, staying in every night will get boring, so consider a fun date night by…
3. Go out to eat more.
Nothing says “I love you” like a fine meal at an upscale restaurant. The ambiance, the amazing food, and the stellar service are sure to keep the spark alive between you and your loved one. Don’t be shy about getting appetizers, dessert, sharing multiple small plates, and asking for another basket of free bread. It’s your special night. Enjoy it!
4. Take more walks.
You’re going to have to find some exercise to do once you start eating out for every meal. Of course, that exercise isn’t going to come from having sex, since you aren’t doing that much. That’s where aimlessly walking around your block a couple times before stopping to get ice cream comes in. You get a little sweat on, plus you get to see all the wonderful sights in your neighborhood… like the ice cream shop down the block.
5. Go to bars.
Who doesn’t love a good dive bar these days? It’s where everybody knows your name, after all! A nice, stiff drink will loosen you up and remind you how much fun you used to have with your significant other back in the beginning. Getting drunk will probably make you hungry, so…
6. Eat a lot of fast food really late at night.
You know, because you’re super drunk. Don’t worry about the empty fat and calories you’re shoving into your mouth at 3 AM. You used to do this all the time when you started dating in your early 20s. That weight will just slide off, like it did back then. Just think of this as a trip down memory lane with your special person!
7. Join a gym, for God’s sake.
OK, seriously. You eat way too much. You’re so comfortable with your boyfriend/girlfriend/side piece/booty call/live-in fuck buddy/fiancé/husband/wife/whatever that you’ve gained 20 pounds and you feel so fat that you’re constantly concerned that you’ll break the bed. You have to exercise. Do you want to have a heart attack? Can you afford to buy new clothes every couple months? Do you want to end up on My 600-Pound Life? Does anyone still find you attractive? You look horrible in the mirror. You make yourself sick. You wouldn’t even bone yourself! Something is amiss. This is not good. Not good at all.
8. Have sex!
Maybe I was wrong.