I was left — nay, abandoned by my girlfriend last week. Not, like, permanently, but for four days while she was off on a business trip. Those days were not easy. I’m not saying I want her to put her career on hold for me; far from it. It’s more that when she’s not around, I am incapable of deciding what to do with all the free time I have at my disposal. I’m a “hot mess,” as the kids say these days. What am I supposed to eat? When am I supposed to eat? Which hole does my food go in? Which of these metal things do I use to pick up my food? What’s a plate? Does Taco Bell deliver?
All of these questions are impossible for me to answer! I need my lady here to nursemaid me through life. How does one function when the responsible adult in the relationship takes off for a week? I’m so glad you asked!
1. Eat. Poorly.
First of all, the basics: food goes in your mouth. Use a fork. You can use a spoon for soup. Food should be warm, so find an instruction manual for your microwave. Most people eat three times a day. No, Taco Bell does not deliver.
OK, now onto advanced eating. Order pizza as much as you want. Your girlfriend tries her best to keep you eating healthy food. She cares about your body and wants you to live a long life. You don’t care about that stuff and just want to get your grub on, don’t you? Then, by all means, get down and get dirty on that pizza.
2. Call and/or text each one of your friends individually.
You probably don’t see your pre-relationship friends much anymore. Mainly, that’s because while you’re watching Law & Order reruns at home, they’re hooking up with complete strangers and doing their best not to throw up in cabs. They will appreciate hearing from you. They might even like to actually see you in person.
3. Call her. Don’t wait for her to call you.
Your girlfriend is independent and self-sufficient. She’s not sitting by the phone in her hotel room, waiting for you to call. But she will notice if you don’t. This is similar to the previous bit of advice, in that it is important to remind people that you give a shit. Also, if you call enough times (but not so many times that it seems unhealthy), you’ll have a much easier time when she comes home. She might even bring you back a gift!
4. Buy her a small (but not too small) gift.
You better get her something! May I suggest a book or novelty gift item from Urban Outfitters or Hot Topic? Hell, I think even a gift certificate to Olive Garden would be sufficient in this case. Just don’t get something huge like a treadmill or the complete Law & Order DVD box set (she owns that anyway!). An overly elaborate or expensive gift will make it seem like you’re planning to dump her, which you aren’t (unless you are, in which case, why are you spending that money on a girl you’re going to dump?).
5. Clean your house/apartment/storage closet/place you live.
The bathtub ring, toothpaste stains, dirty dishes, and casually strewn underpants are not a good look. You know how you used to live before you moved in with your girlfriend. It was shameful, and a potential health risk to you and your neighbors. Consider yourself lucky that someone was willing to overlook your terrible habits and fell in love with you. Do not remind her that you’re a scumbag! Tidy up a bit. Carve out a couple hours to do the deed, or just hire one of your broke friends and kill two birds with one stone.
6. Sleep on both sides of your bed.
This is the greatest joy of your girlfriend’s absence. For the most part, it’s a terrible experience that forces you to truly cherish the time you spend with her, except for the part about you getting the entire bed to yourself. Stretch out! Get comfy. Fart as much as you want. This is your time to shine! Don’t hold back. Save the politeness for when she comes home.
7. Stare at her picture intensely for 30 minutes before you go to sleep.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but so does obsessive behavior. Just don’t let her catch you doing it.
Buy Dave Schilling’s book, Letters from My Therapist, and wonder how he got a girlfriend in the first place!