There was a time, not long ago, when the mere mention of making my bed caused me to recoil in horror. Do what, you say? You want me to fold my blanket and sheets in a tidy, orderly fashion? It sounds crazy, I know. I often asked myself what the point of making my bed actually was. It was just going to get messy again in eight hours. Plus, I was a shitty little nihilist about everything, and actually believed that making your bed was a symbol for the inherent irrelevance of human existence. You make it just to take it apart. Don’t you see how deep that is? Don’t judge me, I was 6.
Now, I’m an actual adult with actual responsibilities, and making my bed doesn’t seem so silly. In fact, it might end up being the one thing that keeps me sane. Here’s five reasons why the least important thing you do all day is also the most important.
1. People (that you might sleep with) could come over.
I can sense you scoffing, dear reader. When will I ever have someone over to my house without advanced notice? With that attitude, you never will. This is going to sound like gross, pseudo-Neil Strauss bro advice, but you must plan for your best-case scenario. Instead of preparing for the worst, expect the best! That might actually help you develop something I like to call “pride.”
Pride is this very hard to come by, but very useful tool for making people not want to dig a hole and bury themselves when you’re around. I don’t mean arrogance. I mean a general respect for yourself and a confidence that what you have to offer the world is worthwhile. That starts with your shitty studio apartment in Van Nuys. Pretend like it’s great! Make your bed and imagine you have a housekeeper! It’s just that the housekeeper shares the same name, face, Social Security number, and passport as you do. What a coincidence!
2. It’s relaxing to do something that doesn’t require thought.
The older you get, the more necessary it is to actually use most of your brainpower. If you’re not thinking about your actual day-to-day tasks at work, you’re probably thinking about the best route to take to get to your office, where to park your car, whether or not you want to go out for lunch, if your cubicle-mate is going to get a promotion for you, how to sabotage your cubicle-mate’s career, and the most ideal locations to take secret naps. Making your bed is a moment for silent reflection during the hectic maelstrom of neuroses that I like to call “being a grown-up.” The bills you haven’t paid can wait. You’re busy making your bed.
3. You’ll stop losing so many socks.
I actually think it’s possible that I’ve lost more socks than I’ve actually bought in my lifetime. This paradox is one that, if you think about it for too long, your eyes will literally pop out of their sockets and swing in the wind, periodically bumping into your nose or something. Don’t think about it. Anyway, when I do find my socks after losing them, they are often inside or underneath my bed. Common hiding places for my socks include under my pillow, in my pillowcase, wrapped up in a sheet, and most perplexingly, underneath the fitted sheet that goes on top of the mattress. How the hell did it get there?
If you start making your bed every day, I guarantee you that you’ll lose 50 percent fewer socks within a month. If you don’t, well, I’m not a scientist and that guarantee was just bawdy talk. Don’t think about it.
4. You can tell your parents, and they will be so happy.
Remember how your mom and dad were always up your ass about making your bed when you were a kid? They wouldn’t leave you alone about that nonsense, would they? You were too much of a rebel to follow their instructions. But now, you’re doing it every day, but they’re not around your apartment enough to see it. You’re just going to have to start bragging to them electronically. Imagine their joy when they see that your Instagram account is jam-packed with nothing but bed porn. They might even loan you money or start inviting you to Christmas again.
5. It’s way more fun to jump up and down on a made bed than an unmade one.
Search for “jumping on a bed” on YouTube. Tell me the people who are jumping on the made beds aren’t having a better time. I dare you. Why deny yourself the illicit thrill of defiling a perfectly arranged bed when a tiny amount of effort is all that’s required of you? This also applies for sex. Have sex on top of a made bed next time. Granted, you’ll have to wash your blanket after the fact, but it’s worth it.