So you’ve decided to wear white this summer, eh? First of all, hats off to you for your sartorial bravery. You’re a real tough guy, aren’t you? Wearing white takes a certain steely spirit that most of us lack. Ladies, getting away with this is slightly easier for you than it is for us gentlemen, but there are still drawbacks. What if you get attacked by a rabid dog who’s been running through a pile of horse manure and house paint? Yeah, you’re in trouble. As good as you look in that white blazer, you’re going to look doubly terrible after the dung-covered, painted canine gets done with you.
There are plenty more reasons to be wary of the 4th of July’s most exotic temptation — five of them, actually:
1. You WILL spill on yourself!
It’s so awesome that you got invited to a 4th of July BBQ. The weather’s great, and you want to dress to impress. Now’s when you pull out your best Colonel Sanders costume to prove how “with it” you are. Did I mention that this BBQ is going to have exclusively messy foods? Hamburgers, seven-layer dip, potato salad, tacos, hot dogs, pie, ice cream, those little tiny cocktail wieners on the toothpicks. You’re screwed. You’d be better off showing up to this party naked.
2. People WILL make fun of you!
For the entire duration of the party, you will be “that guy wearing the white pants.” Is that how you want society to define you? Do you enjoy being judged by complete strangers? Sorry, but unless you’re Tom Wolfe (or this is a Halloween party and you are dressed as Tom Wolfe) you are not going to escape without at least one snide remark about your attire. It will happen. People are predisposed to not liking you, but they’ll really not like you if you choose to dress like Jay Gatsby. You look great, but not as great as everyone else will feel after they’re done asking you why the milkman showed up to the party.
3. You WILL sweat. A lot!
If you are anything like me, you exude a level of perspiration that borders on a chronic medical condition. Something is wrong with me! I sweat going up the stairs to my apartment. No, I am not obese. I think I have a glandular problem. I should probably see a doctor. Anyway, my point is that sweat stains ruin white clothes. How much are you willing to risk destroying your new outfit because it’s 100 degrees outside in Brooklyn?
4. Your white clothes WILL go into the back of your closet by October!
You know that old chestnut about not wearing white after Labor Day? It’s real, and you shouldn’t do it. Do you really want to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes that are completely useless for nine months out of the year? Try that Miami Vice suit out on your parents this Christmas and the only present you’ll receive is a first-class flight back home.
Okay. I can’t think of a fifth reason not to wear white at your 4th of July party. I mean, I kind of covered it all. Spilling shit? Check. Getting made fun of? Check? Sweating? Yes, check. White clothes being useless in the fall/winter? Check, again. Yup, that’s it.
I guess in lieu of a fifth reason, how about the ONE reason to definitely wear white this weekend…
5. You WILL be very visible to oncoming traffic!
Let’s say you’re crossing the street late at night, minding your own business. Imagine that with me now. You’re walking, and some drunk maniac is speeding down the boulevard without a care in the world. He better be able to see you before impact. Luckily for you, you’re wearing an outfit so bright that he’ll be able to spot you from a mile away. Consider yourself not dead! Congrats!