After 27 years of agony, I have finally pinpointed the source of my frustration. This took a great deal of introspection and thought. I made many charts, diagrams, flowcharts and PowerPoint presentations to support my thesis. I will not bore you with the facts and figures of this revelation. I will only offer you the fruits of my struggle.
There is one element that all of my failed relationships share. Examining all the many variations of womanhood that I have been familiar with, but a single thread carries through all of these dalliances.
They involved a heavy amount of physical intimacy.
We have to go on dates, hold hands, kiss, make love, see movies, take walks, have meals, go to IKEA, share toothbrushes, figure out the best position to sleep in, agree on an ideal temperature for the room, meet each other’s parents and watch interminable Downton Abbey marathons.
Invariably, either one or both of the participants in the union grows tired of the intrusion upon their personal space, or worse yet, the relationship devolves into co-dependency and passive-aggressive behavior. That’s right, Elizabeth! You gave me that copy of White Noise by Don DeLillo because you know I hate that book. I can’t even sell it, and you also know I can’t just throw it away. I can’t throw away literature, no matter how bad it is. You are cruel and you know me too well!
Pardon that digression. More to the point, I believe that we live in an age where no one has to actually meet to be in a meaningful relationship. I have friends on Facebook I have never met. People subscribe to my YouTube channel in countries that don’t even have English as an official language. Why can’t I have a girlfriend I’ve never met (or one that doesn’t speak English) too? The internet allows people to communicate in a substantial fashion without messy things like ‘sharing a bathroom’ or ‘verbal exchanges.’ We can go on Gchat/AIM/Facebook Chat/Skype/etc. and be just as ‘close’ as we would be in a normal relationship, except we won’t actually be close to each other at all.
It’s not enough to try to meet a real girl via the internet, because most of them end up wanting to be in the same room as me, and as I have mentioned previously, ‘that boat don’t float.’ I recently went on an OkCupid date with a very attractive Asian woman. She’s mature, employed and loves Woody Allen, Ghostbusters and Murakami. We seemed perfect for each other and had very pleasant conversations on OkCupid regarding a myriad of subjects of mutual interest.
Then, we met for coffee.
I almost fell asleep in my macchiato. We spent an hour discussing her parents’ favorite vacation spots, which were, in order,
3) Santa Barbara
5) Didn’t get to 5, since I bailed on the rest of the date, but it was either Japan or Guantanamo Bay
I can’t subject myself to the pain and disappointment of human contact anymore. Come on, ‘girl’ (‘girl’ being a general term used to denote my potential online lover). Let’s ‘make it official’ on Facebook. Let’s send each other cute YouTube videos of dogs farting. I have so many E-cards for you, baby.
If this arrangement sounds worthwhile to you, please e-mail me at email@example.com or follow me on Twitter @dave_schilling. We can start slow. We can ‘poke’ each other, maybe follow each other on Pinterest. Nothing major. I do have a few caveats to this, though. Do not apply to be my ‘internet girlfriend’ unless you can accept the following conditions.
You Must Enjoy Listening to Me Say Things Like This:
‘I am eating a log of brie right now. I did not even know brie came in logs. When I saw it in the deli section of Ralph’s, I knew immediately I had to try it. It’s not very good. No flavor, really. I think I am going to eat the whole thing. Is that gross?‘
This is the level of discourse I am most comfortable with on Gchat. This is not to say that I will not engage in more substantive discussions with you, but seeing as the vast majority of my day is spent working, this is usually the most you will get out of me. Your response to this sort of conversation is vital. If you shame me into thinking it’s wrong to eat a whole log of brie in lieu of an actual meal, then I will slowly grow to resent you. I will see you as the Great Oppressor, (aka, my mom, the cardinal sin of any woman). You are better off saying ‘do what you want, but that seems excessive.’ The shame should be subtle, and you should strive to reinforce my need for independence. Mom, if you are reading this, I would appreciate you considering the same plan of attack.
It’s OK for You to Hate Your Body, So It Must Be OK for Me to Hate My Body:
We are not going to have sex. You don’t have to worry about your weight, height, the amount of body hair you have, how you smell, what outfit you wear, etc. Through this arrangement, I have removed one of the biggest impediments to sexual satisfaction for a human being. Do you have a cleft lip? I do not care. How about a limp? Immaterial. That is not to say that this would be a sexless situation. I will leave Skype, FaceTime, and other video chat options on the table, but it is not required. Our bond is more than just a corporeal one. Our love lives in 1’s and 0’s.
Once we begin chatting or sexting or what have you, I would expect you to not mind if I get heavy. You never have to touch me, so it shouldn’t be a problem. I will not mind if you gain a few pounds. After all, both of us will be spending even more time online chatting and leaving funny Gawker stories or music videos on each other’s ‘Timelines.’
You Can Live Wherever You Want:
Long distance relationships are fraught with complications, primarily because most couples require physical contact on a semi-regular basis. Since we would be dating online, we would never have to worry about missing each other’s physical presence. Neither of us would be required to uproot our lives and move for the other person. You wouldn’t have to pay to fly to Los Angeles to see me, nor would I have to pay to fly to Columbus, Ohio or whatever strange place you live. If you keep 17 cats in your basement that you feed Captain Crunch cereal 4 times a day at 10:30 AM, 11:15 AM, 3:45 PM and 11:27 PM, you will not have to change that lifestyle for me. I might pass your contact information on to the producers of the hit A&E reality series, ‘Hoarders,’ but they will be the ones to try to change you, not me.
I Will Be Sad if We Break-Up:
I will listen to Creed’s “What’s This Life For” so much. So much.
I Would Like to Livestream Our Wedding:
The online community will have an interest in our success as a pairing, since we will be living our lives on computers and everyone in our ‘Extended Network’ will see what we do. As such, I believe it wise to give our ‘fans’ something to ‘like.’ They will want to experience this blessed event with us.
Per our agreement, this wedding cannot take place with both of us in the same room, so we will have to simultaneously livestream from 3 locations. Location #1 will be your house, apartment, flat, bungalow or trailer. Location #2 will be a synagogue, church or mosque. Bear in mind that I am Jewish and would prefer a traditional Jewish livestream. Location #3 will be Bar 107 on 4th Street in Downtown Los Angeles. That’s where I’ll be.
For the afterparty that you won’t be at, since we can never meet.
If you think this is a joke, you are wrong. I am serious about this. I have tried everything. Blind dates, meeting girls at parties and bars, OkCupid, eHarmony, book clubs, friends, friends of friends and the like. I have come up short in all cases. This is my last option.
Send all pertinent information to firstname.lastname@example.org or follow me/DM me @dave_schilling on Twitter. You will find that I am very responsive and sensitive, especially on the internet. I am here for you. Will you stay exactly where you are for me?