Zooey Deschanel’s Break-Up Email To Ben Gibbard

Dear Ben,

So, umm…like. OK! We need to talk. Well, I guess this isn’t actually ‘talking,’ since it’s an email or whatever. Nevermind. We need to email.

So… this isn’t working out or whatever. You were real sweet to me when I was struggling to get roles and getting overshadowed by Will Ferrell and Jonathan Taylor Thomas or whatever that guy’s name was from (500) Days of Summer. He was on SeaQuest, right? He had the talking dolphin friend? Did he hang himself or is he in the new Batman movie? It’s hard to keep track of projects you aren’t in.

Problem with us is, now I’m the star of the hit Fox sitcom, New Girl, Tuesdays at 9:00 PM Eastern/ 8:00 PM Central. You might have seen my billboards on Santa Monica Boulevard on your way to the courthouse. Things are different now. I’m a sex symbol, or whatever. I could be dating Justin Bieber or one of the many black fellows I see on The X-Factor, which airs Wednesdays at 8:00 PM Eastern/ 7:00 PM Central on Fox, home of the Super Bowl, the World Series and the Daytona 500. I, like, sorta hope you see where I’m going with this, dude.

When was the last time you put out a good album? Probably around the same time you had cankles and a bowl-cut. You used to be stocky and successful, now you’re thin and unemployed, kinda like Jennifer Hudson and you know how I feel about Jennifer Hudson, dude. She’s mean and she snubbed me at the Emmys last year. Who does she think she is? Oh, she won an ‘Oscar’? Big deal. Was she in Your Highness? Did you see my boobs in that? Of course you didn’t. You were, like, too busy being sad about ‘the state of the world’ or whatever. Get it together, bro. Life is passing you by. Get on the train or get left at the airport, dude!

I need to spread my wings. M. Ward is always telling me how you’re a sellout and you don’t care about indie music anymore. He thinks you want to be the next R.E.M., but you’re more like the next Fine Young Cannibals. I didn’t know who he was referencing, so I never told you about what he said, but whatever. If you EVER went to hellogiggles.com to read the New Girl recap I pay a Vassar grad to write each week, you’d know how well I was doing and you’d want to, like, support me. All you do is tousle your bangs and recycle stuff. Don’t you ever get tired of recycling? I sure do! Sometimes, I just want to throw away my copies of Teen Vogue instead of turning them into compost. You don’t know what it’s like to work 12-hour days on the set of your hit sitcom and being forced to be adorable all the time. It’s tough. Like, I realize you haven’t been in the spotlight since The O.C. got canceled, but don’t take it out on me by making me ‘compost.’

Here are the terms of our separation. You can have the loft in Seattle. I get to keep the house in the Hollywood Hills with the Botticelli I bought at the auction that I scribbled my face on. Also, I’d like to request that we split custody of Scrabbles, our dear, precious golden retriever. I’m gonna have to ask you to administer his doggy dandruff medication though. I think it’s icky. Lastly, as stipulated in our prenup, I get to keep all of my money and you have to continue live tweeting New Girl, Tuesdays at 9:00 PM Eastern/ 8:00 PM Central, only on Fox. Like, I’d rather keep our attorneys out of this, so you better make those pudgy fingers type like crazy!

Oh, and I saw all your text messages to Miranda July. Gross, dude. Pretty sure her husband would kick your ass.

Yours truly,

Zooey Deschanel,
Star of New Girl,  Tuesdays at 9:00 PM Eastern/8:00 PM Central, only on Fox
Also, Star of Many Motion Pictures, Including Elf and Other Stuff
Also, Also, Lead Singer of She & Him – Available for Relevant Alternative Music Festivals, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and Other Stuff
Also, Also, Also, Founder & Editor of HelloGiggles.com
Also, Also, Also, Also, Super Duper Single Now… Fellas? TC mark

image – Amelia Beamish

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Dave Schilling is Associate News Editor for VICE. His work has been featured on the Huffington Post, Hipster Runoff ... Read more articles from Dave on Thought Catalog.
  • Internetstranger

    Man, I don’t like Zooey Deschanel’s movies, but you still managed to entirely fuck this up.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      THIS.

  • Ke

    …what did I just read was that supposed to be funny

  • WTF

    Ok, seriously now. How are these things getting published on TC? I honestly don’t mean to sound like a x8 idiot here, but surely this is just poorly written rambling?

  • mail

    i don’t see this funny. just plain brainless.

    • Jose

      Ben is the biggest BRO in indie music. He doesn’t even write his own songs. Fuck that guy.

  • Anonymous

    The best part was this: “If you EVER went to hellogiggles.com to read the New Girl recap I pay a Vassar grad to write each week”

    That always, always bugs me. It’s the most obvious bullshit.

  • DL

    I don’t think Zooey Deschanel sounds like this. You’re making her sound like a ditzy blonde bimbo for some reason.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kittykitty.meooow Donna-Lee Grant

      yeah and its lame brooo, shes a sweet heart

  • xx

    I’m not sure what I hate more – Zooey Deschanel or this post.

  • RAH

    I don’t get the negative reaction to this.  It seems funny. 

  • http://twitter.com/sodelightful rachel

    nah bros this is hilarious. kind of how i imagine zooey’s inner monologue

  • MondayMonday

    I thought it was a good job. Sounds just like her.

  • Anonymous

    Funny in concept! You just didn’t get Zooey’s tone right. She’s more earnest than that. I did enjoy the DCFC album bashing, though.

  • Stevo J

    Too much Zooey hate these days, makes me sad. No one likes getting divorced as far as I know.

  • Sally

    This is the worst thing I have ever read in my life.

    Was this written by a gay 22 year old guy?

  • http://twitter.com/YocastaArias Yocasta Arias

    I think what bothers me most is that Zoey Deschanel would’ve gotten Joesph Gordon Levitt’s name right because they did 500 days of Summer and Manic together. Perhaps this is just me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      Manic is my favorite movie ever.

    • guest

      They’ve also been friends for 10 years. . 

    • http://teresaelectro.blogspot.com/ teresaelectro

      that is an excellent point. 

  • Anonymous

    DCFC isn’t unemployed- they just released a new album in May.

    • Anonymous

      *March.

    • guest

      yes but it was shit, and this coming from a die hard death cab fan

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bobby-Kane/733326702 Bobby Kane

         you’re fucking crazy, dude. codes and keys was brilliant.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    This wasn’t funny.

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I always thought Ben was the cool one anyway.

    That said, Zooey is adorable (and not too adorable) in Almost Famous.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    This was super dumb, you could have actually made this funny.

  • http://nathiuria.tumblr.com Nathali

    That’s not even funny. Just mean.
    First time I see this kinda stuff here… Too bad.

  • Karen

    This. Is. Not. Funny. AT ALL.

    They’re getting divorced, dude… Maybe you can hold off the Zooey hate for a while. Seriously. And I also don’t like how Miranda July was mentioned.

  • http://twitter.com/rachelllane rachel

    Poorly written and not funny. I tweeted this before I read it. 

    BRB, deleting tweet.

    • Autumn

      ….why would you every re-tweet something before reading it??

      • Autumn

        *ever

      • http://twitter.com/rachelllane rachelllane

        cause i’m just a big dummy is all.

  • http://twitter.com/prdinpink Car car

    This is HILARIOUS and I think totally nailed it – in a light-hearted, not-cruel way – for what some part of the population (not insignificant as far as I can tell) takes Zooey Deschanel to be. Keep hatin’, haters, I’ll be over here laughing. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=11705873 David Schilling

      Someone gets me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=11705873 David Schilling

    I was being kinda mean here. I mean, Zooey Deschanel is probably very grounded and down to earth. A real sweetheart. America’s Sweetheart, even. I’d like to formally apologize to Zooey Deschanel. You are not vapid at all. You didn’t deserve this. I have some leftover Whoppers from Halloween. Can I offer you a bag as an apology? You seem like the type to really dig on Whoppers. I know I do.

  • alabama

    Spot on. I could just HEAR it being read in her voice too. Also, I laughed a lot. Don’t pay ’em no mind, Dave.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=11705873 David Schilling

      I have the heart of a soldier.

  • http://twitter.com/srslydrew Andrew Farr

    Haters gonna hate.

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