So, umm…like. OK! We need to talk. Well, I guess this isn’t actually ‘talking,’ since it’s an email or whatever. Nevermind. We need to email.
So… this isn’t working out or whatever. You were real sweet to me when I was struggling to get roles and getting overshadowed by Will Ferrell and Jonathan Taylor Thomas or whatever that guy’s name was from (500) Days of Summer. He was on SeaQuest, right? He had the talking dolphin friend? Did he hang himself or is he in the new Batman movie? It’s hard to keep track of projects you aren’t in.
Problem with us is, now I’m the star of the hit Fox sitcom, New Girl, Tuesdays at 9:00 PM Eastern/ 8:00 PM Central. You might have seen my billboards on Santa Monica Boulevard on your way to the courthouse. Things are different now. I’m a sex symbol, or whatever. I could be dating Justin Bieber or one of the many black fellows I see on The X-Factor, which airs Wednesdays at 8:00 PM Eastern/ 7:00 PM Central on Fox, home of the Super Bowl, the World Series and the Daytona 500. I, like, sorta hope you see where I’m going with this, dude.
When was the last time you put out a good album? Probably around the same time you had cankles and a bowl-cut. You used to be stocky and successful, now you’re thin and unemployed, kinda like Jennifer Hudson and you know how I feel about Jennifer Hudson, dude. She’s mean and she snubbed me at the Emmys last year. Who does she think she is? Oh, she won an ‘Oscar’? Big deal. Was she in Your Highness? Did you see my boobs in that? Of course you didn’t. You were, like, too busy being sad about ‘the state of the world’ or whatever. Get it together, bro. Life is passing you by. Get on the train or get left at the airport, dude!
I need to spread my wings. M. Ward is always telling me how you’re a sellout and you don’t care about indie music anymore. He thinks you want to be the next R.E.M., but you’re more like the next Fine Young Cannibals. I didn’t know who he was referencing, so I never told you about what he said, but whatever. If you EVER went to hellogiggles.com to read the New Girl recap I pay a Vassar grad to write each week, you’d know how well I was doing and you’d want to, like, support me. All you do is tousle your bangs and recycle stuff. Don’t you ever get tired of recycling? I sure do! Sometimes, I just want to throw away my copies of Teen Vogue instead of turning them into compost. You don’t know what it’s like to work 12-hour days on the set of your hit sitcom and being forced to be adorable all the time. It’s tough. Like, I realize you haven’t been in the spotlight since The O.C. got canceled, but don’t take it out on me by making me ‘compost.’
Here are the terms of our separation. You can have the loft in Seattle. I get to keep the house in the Hollywood Hills with the Botticelli I bought at the auction that I scribbled my face on. Also, I’d like to request that we split custody of Scrabbles, our dear, precious golden retriever. I’m gonna have to ask you to administer his doggy dandruff medication though. I think it’s icky. Lastly, as stipulated in our prenup, I get to keep all of my money and you have to continue live tweeting New Girl, Tuesdays at 9:00 PM Eastern/ 8:00 PM Central, only on Fox. Like, I’d rather keep our attorneys out of this, so you better make those pudgy fingers type like crazy!
Oh, and I saw all your text messages to Miranda July. Gross, dude. Pretty sure her husband would kick your ass.
Star of New Girl, Tuesdays at 9:00 PM Eastern/8:00 PM Central, only on Fox
Also, Star of Many Motion Pictures, Including Elf and Other Stuff
Also, Also, Lead Singer of She & Him – Available for Relevant Alternative Music Festivals, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and Other Stuff
Also, Also, Also, Founder & Editor of HelloGiggles.com
Also, Also, Also, Also, Super Duper Single Now… Fellas?