I’m Infatuated With You When I Should Be Infatuated With Myself.

woman wearing black long-sleeved bodysuit lying on ground beside door
Michael McAuliffe / Unsplash

This is me raw. This is me spilling out every emotion I have had in the last 4 months. This is me shredding all of my skin and all of my bottled up thoughts – because I can’t express any of them to you. I promised you I could handle it, I nodded like a good little girl when you told me that we moved way too fast and those were not your intentions. I told myself I could be that girl, that girl that I constantly find myself in the position of being. This isn’t new to me, this isn’t something I’m unfortunately not used to. I tend to repeat my mistakes over and over – telling myself I learned my lesson the last time.

I have done plenty of big things on my own – from traveling throughout Europe to moving a thousand miles away from home for 4 years. I went the furthest away, out of all my friends, to college and with each move and new experience I adapted. I pushed through the hard times and I came out a stronger, even more independent person. I made friends that will last a lifetime, I created connections with strangers that will forever be embedded in my mind, I worked through scary situations and found a light at the end of every tunnel. I changed for the better and I grew more than I could have ever imagined. I have been told that I am beautiful on the inside and out and how rare that is to find in someone. I have had men stare me in the eye and tell me how unique of a person I am, how precious my soul is and how endearing my actions are. I have best friends that constantly call me for advice and listen to every single word I say. I have strangers approach me and tell me their life story because I give off that “vibe”.

Tell me then, why it is impossible for me to go see a movie alone. Why I can never have a meal by myself, why I can’t stay in at night with a movie and my dog without someone else laying there next to me. Why I can’t accept the fact that you don’t want a relationship with me but instead I accept you wanting me only when its convenient for you. Someone tell me why I don’t hold the standards that I preach to all of my friends for myself. I think about you constantly, I crave your acceptance and your attention in such an unhealthy way – I know how unattractive it comes off, and yet I can’t stop. I try to sit and think about what I find so fucking special about you and even when I can’t fully understand where this infatuation comes from, I still need you. I don’t want to change you, I don’t want you to be a different person. You have every right to acknowledge your want for independence, your understanding that you’re not ready for a relationship, your maturity in the fact that you know you don’t have enough time to dedicate to yourself let alone someone else. What I want to change, is myself. I want to find that woman that is used to being alone and that can explore the universe without someone next to her the entire way. That woman that can strike up a conversation with her bartender and have the confidence to leave her number as she signs her receipt. I want to be that woman that isn’t waking up in the middle of the night to see if you sent that infamous “want to come over” text message. I can hear how pathetic I sound when I complain to my friends about you and how strong I sound when I give them the advice I should be taking, as they complain about a similar situation. I know I can be her, I know deep down she exists in a parallel universe but at times it feels almost impossible to get to her. Your actions should be enough for me to cling onto that side of me. Having you wrap your entire body around me while we sleep, having you hold me so tight I can barely breath, having you kiss me so gently but then a day later act like I am barely a good friend of yours when we are out in public. That should immediately bring out the “I don’t give a fuck about you either” in me. Watching you approach another woman, right in front of me, and have a conversation that leads to exchanging phone numbers should burn my soul so deeply that I never want to jump out of bed and rush over the second you call. I want to be that girl that you chase and strive to figure out and understand. I want to give you just enough space that I leave some curiosity and want in you. I want to tell you this isn’t working out for me, because my feelings are too strong and I care too deeply for you and have you realize in the end that you made one of the biggest mistakes of your life. I want you to come running back to me with a grand gesture and provide nothing but the emotional connection that I deserve. Because I do deserve that, and part of me knows I do. I deserve someone that wants my carefree spirit, someone that sees my independent side but also accepts my emotional side. I deserve someone that understands that my highs are high and my lows are low and will accommodate for those feelings. I deserve someone that truly appreciates how much I would do for them, how caring I am, how much I can relate and understand what they want before they even know what they want. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can only hide my stresses and my feelings for so long before they explode out like fourth of July fireworks. The problem is, I constantly surround myself with men that force me to do that. The explosion happens because I can’t let my feelings out as they come or I’m considered too clingy, too much to handle, too attached. I want you to miss me but in the end, I know you won’t. I know if I disappear, you won’t think twice about me and you will move on to the next girl that can in fact “handle” your request of a fuck buddy.

So for now, I will continue to destroy my soul and my heart and I will continue to keep this physical relationship going because at least if you’re fucking me, you’re with me. You are choosing me for that one night and that to me, is better than no night. For now, I will suffer through this until I find my independence again. I will have a moment in time where all of it comes crashing down on me, more than it has already, and I will break through the rubble even stronger than I was before. There will be a day I won’t need to force someone to miss me. I know she’s in there, I know she exists and I know she will one day prosper. TC mark

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