He constantly tells you, “Never leave the house, no matter what, without kissing goodbye”. He emphasizes that: no matter how big the fight, this is the number one rule. But that day comes, the day you’ve been expecting but never thought would actually happen.
He tells you he can’t do “this” anymore and you smirk knowing it’s just another one of those false threats. He tells you every single reason why he doesn’t want to be with you. He explains the difference between being IN love and loving someone is. You go to bed hurt and upset but you know the next day will be like every other. You will wake up together, he will look into your eyes the way he used to, he will take your shared dog out, he will kiss you goodbye – even the slightest peck on the forehead allows you to remember his dedication – and he will leave for work.
But that’s not how it happens this time.
This time is different. It feels different from the moment he wakes up and leaves the bed you share together. He starts to get ready without saying a word and without giving a look. He grabs his keys and kisses the dog goodbye. You watch from underneath the covers as he hesitates. You think to yourself, This is it, this is where he will come over and give me that kiss goodbye. He will follow his one and only rule because he loves me.
But he doesn’t. He walks out the door.
Not a word, not a touch, not a look.
You sob uncontrollably until you can’t breathe. You throw up in your hand as your shaking in a ball on your bed. This is it. You now know it’s over.
You live together and share every single part of your lives. What the absolute fuck are you supposed to do now? He offers to leave and find his own place but you know how miserable your life will be living in the place you made your home. Every step you take and every single place you look, you’ll be reminded of how much you loved him and the life you built together.
You start going through the stages of grief.
Denial: It’s not over. He loves you, he wants you. This was all a mistake, he will apologize and tell you he’s sorry. There’s no way he can give up his shared life with you, especially the puppy you are raising together. You bring him joy, you make him happy.
Anger: Fuck him. He begged and begged for you. He wanted you and did everything for you and you wanted nothing to do with him as a boyfriend. He spoiled you, he gave you so much attention, he put up with every single flaw of yours until you finally agreed to be with him.
Bargaining: You still live with him and your feelings are not disappearing. You see him and you turn into jello. He is your kryptonite. You are a strong, independent woman. With him though, you immediately become a pathetic and needy girl. You beg for sex, you beg for attention and you crave love.
Depression: You know yourself and you know what you are capable of. You know how amazing of a person you can be. You know how caring, loving and free spirited your soul is. Yet, while living with him – you are the complete opposite. You hate yourself for what he’s turned you into and for what you’ve allowed yourself to become.
Then it stops.
You are stuck in all of these stages combined without finally getting to the acceptance stage. He teases you. He falls into your attention traps. One minute he obsessed with cuddling you, holding you, eating with you, watching movies with you. The next – he hates you, he finds you annoying, you’re too much to handle and he doesn’t want to even look at you.
He thinks your mind it too out of control to be involved with you, yet he is the one going back and forth.
Living with him fucks with your mind beyond any possible control. One minute, you’re so happy and laughing and the next he is making you feel like you are a complete stranger.
You have so much to figure out. You have your entire life to reassess. You thought you were set, you dreamt about your engagement and your wedding. You love his family and you were so involved in their lives. You imagined getting a house together and what your kids would be like.
Then ONE person rips your entire plan away. Without a care or thought of your feelings and the struggle you now face.
He makes you feel happy one minute then so depressed the next. You sleep in the same bed and you constantly feel that urge to be with him and to want him. You tell him about the apartment you FINALLY found and he offers to help you move. Your heart is stabbed over and over and over and over.
You will be okay though.
You are so outgoing, smart, charismatic and loving – you will find someone to match your personality and your wants in life. You will move on from this. You will feel 10000 times better and you will live the adventurous life with your dog you’ve always dreamed of.
It’s the worst feeling in the entire world right now but you. will. survive.