19 Smartass Comments To Use During A Traffic Stop (That Will Definitely Get You Arrested)


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

You: Because you’re a jerk?


Cop: I stopped you because your brake light is busted.

You: That’s a relief. I thought I was busted.


Cop: Do you have any outstanding warrants?

You: No, but I have some really lousy ones.


Cop: Can I have your license and registration?

You: No, you’ll have to get your own like everyone else.


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

You: Not fast enough, apparently.


Cop: Is this your car?

You: No, it’s my giant, four-wheeled toaster. Care for a bagel?


Cop: Have you had anything to drink tonight?

You: No, but I could sure use one now.


Cop: You were traveling with an excessive amount of speed.

You: You’re mistaken, sir. I’m not transporting any drugs.


Cop: Didn’t you see the “Merge Left” sign?

You: I did, but I thought it was just some liberal propaganda.


Cop: You turned without signaling properly.

You: I used my tailpipe. Those were smoke signals.


Cop: Place your hands behind your back with the palms facing out.

You: You do the hokey-pokey and you shake it all about!


Cop: Here are your tickets.

You: Cool. Are you going to be raffling off some prizes later?


Cop: You appear to be under the influence.

You: Only because of your intoxicating personality, officer!


Cop: Are you aware your passenger is a prostitute?

You: My bad. I thought she said “Protestant.”


Cop: If I search your car, will I find any paraphernalia?

You: I hope so. I haven’t been able to find my bong in days!


Cop: At this point I’ll be administering an alcohol test.

You: Awesome! What kind of alcohol are we testing?


Cop: Now place this in your mouth and blow.

You: I said the same thing to your mom last night.


Cop: I need to make you aware of your rights.

You: If I did everything right, why did you pull me over?


Cop: You have the right to remain silent.

You: I’d like to exercise mime right, because this whole thing is a charade! TC mark

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