Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
You: Because you’re a jerk?
Cop: I stopped you because your brake light is busted.
You: That’s a relief. I thought I was busted.
Cop: Do you have any outstanding warrants?
You: No, but I have some really lousy ones.
Cop: Can I have your license and registration?
You: No, you’ll have to get your own like everyone else.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
You: Not fast enough, apparently.
Cop: Is this your car?
You: No, it’s my giant, four-wheeled toaster. Care for a bagel?
Cop: Have you had anything to drink tonight?
You: No, but I could sure use one now.
Cop: You were traveling with an excessive amount of speed.
You: You’re mistaken, sir. I’m not transporting any drugs.
Cop: Didn’t you see the “Merge Left” sign?
You: I did, but I thought it was just some liberal propaganda.
Cop: You turned without signaling properly.
You: I used my tailpipe. Those were smoke signals.
Cop: Place your hands behind your back with the palms facing out.
You: You do the hokey-pokey and you shake it all about!
Cop: Here are your tickets.
You: Cool. Are you going to be raffling off some prizes later?
Cop: You appear to be under the influence.
You: Only because of your intoxicating personality, officer!
Cop: Are you aware your passenger is a prostitute?
You: My bad. I thought she said “Protestant.”
Cop: If I search your car, will I find any paraphernalia?
You: I hope so. I haven’t been able to find my bong in days!
Cop: At this point I’ll be administering an alcohol test.
You: Awesome! What kind of alcohol are we testing?
Cop: Now place this in your mouth and blow.
You: I said the same thing to your mom last night.
Cop: I need to make you aware of your rights.
You: If I did everything right, why did you pull me over?
Cop: You have the right to remain silent.
You: I’d like to exercise mime right, because this whole thing is a charade!