1. DGIM – Dear God, It’s Monday
We all love to post “TGIF!” on Friday, because as Loverboy so profoundly put it, “Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend!” TGIF is a nice, succinct way to celebrate 48 hours of free time with friends and family. But what about Monday? Using DGIM would eliminate lengthy and lame status updates such as “Oh man, here we go again. Back to the grind in the hellhole. Got a bitch of a hangover on top of it. Monday. Ugh.”
2. OMGIWUFYA – One More Game Invite and I Will Un-friend Your Ass
I’m not into Candy Crush Saga or that other game with the TV commercials that star Kate Upton’s boobs, but apparently these kinds of games are as addictive as black tar heroin. Hey, if you want to get hooked on app-crack, more power to you. The problem is these Candy Crushers turn into Pesky Pushers, relentlessly requesting that we take a hit of their their digital drug: “Jane Doe has invited you to play Jelly Splash.” Again. And again. The requests appear on my screen faster than I can delete them. “Come on, everybody’s doing it. You’ll be cool. I’m not gonna be your friend unless you try it.” I think similar tactics are used to recruit new members into fanatical religious cults. Sorry, Jim Jones, I’m not interested in your Candy Crush Kool-Aid. BTW, OMGIWUFYA!
3. TLI – Too Little Information
The flipside of TMI (Too much information). TMI serves us well when friends are over-sharing: “Just got back from the doc. As you can see from the selfie, the rash is spreading. Hope the ointment helps!” TMI, indeed. Sometimes you get the opposite. An enigmatic post that requires some sort of explanation or context: “It’s finally here!!!” or “This could be the day…” or a true head-scratcher like “Pancakes in my closet! ” Before I “LIKE” or attempt to comment on such a post, I need clarification, hence, TLI.
4. LOTI – Laughing On The Inside
Does that silly YouTube video really warrant an ROTFLMAO? Or an LOL, for that matter? When it comes to describing our reaction to funny posts, we tend to overdo it. Are you really “laughing out loud” at the kitten falling into the bean dip? Is that snarky comment so hilarious that you’ve lost the ability to stand and are now writhing on the linoleum in a spasm of uncontrollable guffaws? I doubt it. The typical “man, this is so hilarious, you have to see it” post illicits nothing more than a small inner chuckle. So tell it tell it like it is. LOTI.
5. FYL – Fuck Your Life
We’re all familiar with the FML (fuck my life) updates of Debby Downer, full of overwrought handwringing about trivial inconveniences: “Stupid phone battery died. FML.” As bad as these whiners are, I’ll take them any day over the blessed individuals whose Facebook updates are an endless stream of how fabulous their lives are, with no humility in sight. From “2 wks. off. So long suckers. Belize here we come!” to “Pix of the new Camaro! Start drooling! #mydreamcar” not to mention “Got the promotion. I’m a big $ hustla now!” Give me a break. Nobody’s life is that incredible all the time. Even their problems are fantastic: “The flight to Paris was excruciating!!!” Enough already. You know what? FYL. Fuck your life.
6. FFF and TTT – Flash Forward Friday and Time Travel Thursday
Flashback Friday and Throwback Thursday are so 2014. Let’s stop living in the past! No more mullet-headed yearbook photos. Forget the grainy Polaroid vacation pix. That little trip down memory lane takes you straight to the sleepy town of Yawnsville. So how about some photos of what you’ll look like and be wearing in the future (FFF)? Or better yet, a selfie of you actually in the future (TTT)! Now you’ve got my attention!
7. IMUO – In My Uninformed Opinion
You wouldn’t argue with a chess master about the merits of the Budapest Gambit or the Sicilian Defense if you didn’t know which way the horsey piece moves, because you’d look like a dumbass. The same goes for chiming in on social media regarding the latest hot button issue, when you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. If you insist on doing so, please preface your comment with IMUO. This is a slight alteration of IMHO (In my humble opinion), but it makes a big difference. I’ll read a humble opinion anytime if it based on facts and reality and the person has a well-rounded grasp of the various sides of the issue. I don’t want to waste my time with the opinion of someone so clueless they make Cher Horowitz look like Rene Descartes.
8. FBDA – Facebook Display of Affection
Reminding your loved one that they are cherished and appreciated is a wonderful thing. I’m just not sure Facebook is the place to do so. Some of these gushing platitudes (complete with pet names and baby talk) would be more appropriate scrawled on a Hallmark card than posted on a public forum. FBDA would work like a spoiler alert so we can avert our eves from updates such as “I love my beautiful wifey-woo-woo. So talented, smart and sexy. KISSYFACE!!” You probably felt good posting this, and that’s great. For the rest of us it’s as uncomfortable as if we were watching you and your wife tongue wrestle on the baked goods table at a church picnic.