13 Things Movie Reviews Say And What They Actually Mean

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Movie ads and posters are always emblazoned with breathless blurbs from some reviewer touting the film as “Must see!” or “Fun for the whole family!” Most of these excerpts are from some unknown or made-up reviewer (who the hell is Scott Jensen of KQT-TV?) and they need to be scrutinized to discover their true meaning. Here are some typical examples:

“The twists and turns will keep you guessing ‘til the last scene!”

Mostly you’ll be guessing how much longer this nonsense can go on. You know, my colon has lots of twists and turns, but I don’t want to watch it for 2 hours. Although it would probably be more entertaining than this movie.

“You’ll be on the edge of your seat!”

Only because you’re sliding forward in anticipation of getting up and walking out, as you decide whether or not to give this crap-fest five more minutes to redeem itself.

“The movie that everyone is talking about!”

These conversations include phrases like, “What a disappointment” and “Avoid this ginormous suckwad,” as people warn their friends and family not to waste time or money on this bomb.

“A love story for the ages!”

Sure, if those ages are 11-13, since this romantic drivel resembles an awkward tween’s embarrassing, hormone-induced diary entries, staged by a middle school drama class.

“Don’t miss it!”

And there’s a good chance you will, as this underperforming clunker is sure to be yanked from theaters in the next few days.

“Amazing and astounding!”

Amazing that it ever got a green light, and astounding that it made it past the preproduction stage. Why didn’t anyone along the line pipe up and say, “This is a horrible idea for a movie!” Because Hollywood is full of kowtowing yes-men, resulting in all these lousy films.

“A non-stop riot!”

Really? Not for the audience. The three good jokes in this “comedy” already appeared in the trailer. The only people having a non-stop riot are the producers and stars of this dreck, as they laugh their way to the bank.

“You won’t believe the ending!”

Or the beginning. Or the middle, for that matter. When you get right down to it, this whole damn thing is one big implausible mess.

“Nicolas Cage does it again!”

That’s right, he whores himself out for another ridiculous “Bad Ghost Wicker Rider Lieutenant Man Drives Angry Again” flick that would have gone direct-to-video if it starred anyone else. This blurb also applies to actors involved in a third (or fourth or fifth!) sequel. I’m talking to you Liam “Taken” Neeson and all those guys from The Hangover movies.

“There’s never been anything like it!”

And there never should have been!

“A movie that guys and gals can agree on!”

We can agree that neither gender appreciates being pandered to with these lame attempts to be the best of both worlds on date night. Sticking a few fart gags into an already substandard chick-flick is not doing anyone any favors.

“Kevin Hart is hilarious!”

Yes. Yes he is. But is he hilarious in this movie, where he’s saddled with an inane script “reworked” by unfunny studio execs and directed by someone more suited to be a funeral director? No. No he is not.

“An instant classic!”

This line gets cranked out like Tyler Perry films, and is seen in reviews ranging from heavy-handed “message” films to feather-weight popcorn pulp. First of all, “instant classic” is an oxymoron like “sweet sorrow” or “Michael Bay masterpiece.” Being deemed “classic” requires a period of time to be judged against all others and earn the distinction of being the highest quality or example. This doesn’t happen in an instant. Also, since when is “instant” a selling point? Instant coffee and instant rice are terrible. TC mark

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