1. Epidermal Mucus Viscosity – Unique consistency of a freshly picked booger that enables it to stick firmly to each finger during the numerous attempts made to flick it away.
2. Molecular Liquid Expansion – Occurs when a glass of milk, soda, wine or other beverage is spilled onto the table or floor, and spontaneously transforms from a small 8-ounce refreshment into huge 2-gallon puddled mess.
3. Culinary Curd Extension Elasticity – Propensity of a strand of piping hot, melted mozzarella cheese to stretch continuously from pizza to mouth while retaining structural integrity to a length of 3 to 4 feet. Breakage finally occurs at the optimum point to slap down and simultaneously scald your chin and ruin your shirt.
4. Disproportionate Laceration Distress – Physiological anomaly that causes the tiniest of paper cuts to be so painful, you’d swear you just severed a limb.
5. Bicuspid Particulate Exposure – Tendency for spinach, black peppercorns and other bits of semi-chewed food to lodge themselves into dental crevices that are front and center on the teeth, rather than back behind a far molar where they would be unnoticeable and less embarrassing.
6. Avian Excrement Adhesion – Enzymatic reaction resulting in a fusion of bird poop and automobile paint. This incredible bond is impervious to point blank, high-pressure blasts of water from a garden hose.
7. Microscopic Fibrous Flirtation Spheres – Invisible balls of lint that form on garments during the conversation between prospective mates, which gives one an excuse to touch the other’s shoulder and send a subtle sign of attraction as they reach over to remove the textile debris.
8. Ocular Citric Ejaculation Trajectory – Perfect arc of juice jettisoned from a spooned grapefruit or a squeezed lemon or lime wedge that always lands directly in the eye.
9. Cranial Follicle Dysfunction – 24-hour condition of the human scalp in which the assorted tresses and locks remain in a state of unflattering disarray that no amount of combing, styling, spraying or gelling can correct. Commonly known as “having a bad hair day.”
10. Spasmodic Muscular Smart Device Mimicry – Odd sensation of the nervous system that creates a twitch or tingle in the upper thigh, resembling the vibration of a pocketed cell phone, whether or not a device is actually there.
11. Audiovisual Stoppage Somnolence Disruption – Sudden and startled awakening of a sleeping person when the noisy TV in front of them is turned off. Generally followed by, “Hey, I was watching that!”
12. Vitreous Blemish Osmosis – Ability of a spot on a window to appear to be on the inside, only to move through the glass to the outside when an attempt is made to wipe it off. Then reverse osmosis will occur when trying to clean from the outside. Process repeats indefinitely.