If A Foul-Mouthed Entertainment Blogger Wrote A Mainstream Article

Bruce Almighty (Widescreen Edition)
Bruce Almighty (Widescreen Edition)

Comedy and entertainment bloggers love them some swear words. Peppering your writing with some well-placed profanity can add humor and shock value, but I’ve seen some articles that are so chockfull of obscenities and sexual anatomy references that they lose all their punch. If these guys ever did some mainstream work, it would probably resemble the following article.

Top 5 Ways to Keep Household Expenses From Giving You a Jackstick Up the Squat Box

Running a family household is one big financial spankwagon, but that doesn’t mean you have to be an ass wedge about budgeting. Here are some easy ways to put a hoseplug in unnecessary donkey dork spending.

1. Bundle Your Crapwad Communication Services

Paying separately for internet, phone and cable is like bending over for a triple helping of 12-inch sweet and sour hog loaf. You might as well grab all those bills, shove them up your whistle pipe and fist bump your bladder. The smart move is to combine all these fart-licks into one provider, and you’ll come out looking like a shagdaddy with twenty or more extra dollars per month in the old wanghole.

2. Go all Whale-balls with Coupon Clipping

The cost of groceries can be a big fat tit farm, but your trip to the supermarket doesn’t have to turn into a Director’s Cut of the The Suckshank Redemption. Just start using money-saving coupons like a total hump junkie. You’ll kick jerkjob grocery spending right in the clambags and show high prices the business end of your sackhammer.

3. Don’t Let High Energy Costs Squeeze Your Crotch Squad

Does paying your utility bills leave you feeling like you’ve been bone-dogged by a skank monkey? If so, give your heating and cooling costs a royal fudgeblast by installing a programmable thermostat. And instead of being a resource-wasting pissfrog, why not turn off the lights when you’re home alone, rubbing saddle soap on your palm pony?

4. Tell Your Insurance Agent to Go Choke on a Moose’s Nutlog

Insurance is important to have, but there’s no reason for it to cost and arm and a dick. Shop around for a better rate and you can shave your bill like your mother’s scrotum. While you’re at it, ask if your limp-noodle driving qualifies you for a weasel bait discount.

5. Keep Ronald McDonald From Yanking Your McNuggets

Eating out at fast food joints will shrink your checkbook until it looks like your love lump after a dip in the pool. Try to make a couple less trips to Back in the Jocks this month. Not only are those Ultimate Greaseburgers turning you into a fat trouser clown, they’re about as expensive as a hot-buttered hooker on Labor Day. TC mark

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