1. Scottish Pizzinwhizzer
This versatile breed is equally at home in a large country manor or an urban loft, where they entertain themselves for hours urinating on everything in sight. These precocious little piddlers are prone to hip dysplasia from repeatedly lifting their leg to hose down floor lamps, coat racks, ottomans, kitchen garbage cans, their owner’s leg, other pets and small children.
2. Cockroach Spaniel
This is the unfortunate result of quirky crossbreeding gone horribly awry. (Reminiscent of the Platypug and the Armadingo.) Like other spaniels, they are always ready to participate in family activities and romp with companion pets. Unlike other spaniels, their furry exoskeleton, 5 legs and huge segmented antennae make such interactions difficult at best, and traumatizing at worst.
3. Chinese Yammering Yap Yap
A breed with a long heritage, originally bred in the 13th century by the Dung Dynasty for use as a cruel torture device, and their role hasn’t changed much today. Known for an incessant, shrill bark that makes nails on a chalkboard sound like a soothing lullaby. Most homeowners associations and city ordinances require 3-4 yap yaps per neighborhood.
4. Blue-feathered Setter
This odd duck may in fact be part duck. Features a spectacular and vibrant plumage that would look gorgeous on anything other than this dog. Resembles a nightmarish Muppet designed by the late Jim Henson during a fever dream caused by eating some bad clams. Or after scoring some bad acid from Mr. Hooper, the grocer. You never know. Snuffleupagus, anyone?
5. South Shoddingshire Schnauswartzhund
The name of this breed (which gets easier to pronounce after 4 bottles of Chateauneuf-de-Pape ) indicates a noble and distinguished ancestry. It also indicates a dog that behaves like a pompous ass, even when sniffing his. Smug and aloof, he regards his owners as butlers and maids, and is unwilling to engage in any physical activities, especially fetch, because he already has a stick up his butt.
6. Sport Coated Collie
Faithful, dependable and quite handsome with a classic fit, notched lapel, fully lined, center vent tweed sport coat that includes single chest pocket and four-button cuffs. However, these stylish pups are an investment in time and money, requiring frequent brushing and dry cleaning.
7. Potbellied Chowhound
Nicknamed “Old Iron Guts” for their gastrointestinal stamina, this sturdy breed can devour a wide range of inedible, inanimate objects throughout the home. While they will generally consume anything, most fixate on a favorite delicacy, which more often than not is something bizarre and/or gross. Such items as used tissues, women’s panties, car keys, and poop are eagerly and easily swallowed, making this breed resemble a bunch of four-legged sideshow freaks.
8. Belgian Waffle Sheepdog
Classified as a variety of the Belgian Shepherd, with a thick, dark syrupy coat that is both unique and unsettling. During shedding season, apply a liberal amount of melted butter and groom with an ordinary dinner fork. This breed will tolerate other animals, but prefers to be paired with whipped cream and assorted fruits.
9. Mexican Skinless
Archaeological evidence suggests that this breed developed skinlessness as a survival technique, repelling predators with the sight of exposed muscle tissue and internal organs. Like active breeds such as terriers, these dogs need calm, persistent training as well as some sort of doggy sweater or raincoat to protect their delicate and disgusting viscera. On the upside, vet visits are a snap, with no need for expense x-rays or ultrasounds.
10. Italian Horndog
Bursting with enthusiasm and energy, most of which is directed towards relentless doggy twerking. Seldom interested in chasing balls, as they are too busy licking their own. This canine Casanova is prone to hip dysplasia from repeatedly humping floor lamps, coat racks, ottomans, kitchen garbage cans, their owner’s leg, other pets and small children.