8 Types Of Utensils That Need To Be Invented


What has a name resembling a comic book sound effect, but stands as one of the greatest inventions of modern man? No, not “phtwap.” That’s right – spork! The clever melding of spoon and fork that caused worldwide rejoicing, from picnics to delis to backyard BBQs! But I ask, why stop there? (When I’m not asking “where are my keys?” and “what’s that smell?”) We need to take these goofy named utensil combos to the next phase!


Everyone loves a hearty bowl of soup or sugary cereal. Unfortunately getting the final spoonful of broth or milk from the bottom of the bowl can be tricky. Sure, you can tip it up to your mouth and slurp it down like an orangutan, but that won’t exactly impress your date or the diners around you. The problem is solved with the ingenious spoonge, a spoon with a sponge attached to the end. Now you can sop up that last delicious drop!


Say goodbye to Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome and cut your mixing and frosting time in half! This spatula is equipped with a ratchet-style handle to reduce stress on the wrist and elbow. Made from sturdy Craftsmen-quality drop forged metal, the ratchula can withstand heavy torque and power through the thickest icings and pancake batters. Includes complete set of 20 different interchangeable spatula heads in both Standard and Metric sizes.


A nifty new variation on the old swizzle stick adds a chisel-tip to the end. This updated barware classic not only stirs your drink, but also chops up fused chucks of ice and unwieldy lemon and lime wedges. Does double-duty out of the booze, too, as a stronger and longer cocktail weenie stabber or emergency flathead screwdriver.
Keep one in your glove compartment just in case!


Many entrees are slathered in all sorts of succulent sauces and juices. When you’re finished, much of this deliciousness remains on the plate. You could soak it up with a dinner roll or slice of bread, but what if you’re cutting back on carbs? In this case you need a good fawk! Cleverly designed fork has a hollow, open-ended handle and center tine. Works like a straw so you can suck up gravy, au jus or even those couple of pesky peas you’ve been chasing around the plate.


You’ll be a Thanksgiving triple threat as you literally “shovel it in!” Combining the functions of a fork, spoon and hand trowel, the shorkel is a kitchen utensil hat trick for the serious hungry man. Features a one-piece construction in dishwasher-friendly high-impact plastic, with an ergonomic handle allowing you to safely and comfortably cram over a pound of food into your yap! Banned by most national All-You-Can-Eat chains.


Picking your teeth at the table is rude and gross. Until now! Be the life of the party as you pry out those wedged corn kernels to the musical accompaniment of the kazoothpick! This unique kazoo tapers down to a tiny point that enables easy access to the gunk between your molars and bicuspids, all while humming your favorite songs.


You’ll say “I DO!” to this marriage of pipe wrench and tongs. Heavy-duty long handled tool offers surgically precise pincer-action with a surprisingly gorilla-strong vice grip. It can flip a delicate salmon filet or a serious sirloin steak with ease. Plus open that stubborn pickle jar! At your next cookout, let the “wrongs” make it right!


Talk with your mouth full! The phoon is a fully functioning telephone handset with a spoon-shaped mouthpiece, making it a snap to chew your food while you chew the fat. Just scoop up and take a few bites while listening to the person on the other end, whether you’re enjoying a relaxing dinnertime conversation with an out-of-town spouse, having lunch on a conference call, or sitting through the long-winded blathering of a distant relative. Comes with two jacks for landline or smartphone use. TC Mark

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