A wonderfully feminine word that got a bad rap, felony is a fine name for a girl. It’s really just an F’d-up version of Melanie, which is an acceptable name. So you change a couple letters and turn Melanie into Felony – does that make it a crime? Felony is the carefree tomboy or maybe the rebellious wild child. A little bit dangerous and a lotta bit sexy! I’m surprised there’s not already a porn star named Felony. Perhaps there is – I don’t watch porn. Not since that “misunderstanding” with the public library computer. A woman named Felony might have to put up with sleaze-ball pick-up lines about “arresting beauty” or “so good-lookin’ it should be against the law,” but a face-full of apple-tini and a Prada pump in the groin will shut them up quick. That’s how chicks named Felony roll!
Used as a name, Anorexia sounds like a funky, phonetic mash-up of Anastasia and Alexandria. Those are both cool names, so obviously a combo of the two would be doubly cool, right? Plus there are all sorts of potential nicknames: Ann. Nora. Rexy. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. What parent in their right mind would stigmatize a child with the name Anorexia? Wouldn’t they be laying the psychological groundwork for years of painful and expensive therapy? Not necessarily. Consider girls named Gertrude or Beatrice who buck the odds and grow up to be superhot. Most likely, someone named Anorexia would probably do everything possible to avoid resembling her name. The same concept applies to guys named Dick.
Here’s another lovely word with daughter-naming potential, except for the whole urinary tract association. Sounds similar to Aretha, as in Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul. Heck, for all we know her parents planned on naming her Urethra, but had a little trouble with the spelling. Wouldn’t be the first time. That’s how some other parents who took the name Orpah from the Book of Ruth inadvertently named their daughter Oprah. Why else is Urethra a good name? Besides the prior examples, which show that an interesting name can lead to fame and fortune, there is also the growing trend of using unique names (Shaniqua) or unique spellings of traditional names (Trystyn), with no regard to the social and vocational challenges such children will face. Based on these observations, you can’t go wrong with Urethra. For those of you into the aforementioned goofy-spelling thing, that would be Yureethrah.
Gonorrhea & Syphilis
How did two sexually transmitted diseases come to be named with such pretty words? Almost biblical, like they’re from scripture: “And Jesus did enter the land of Gonorrhea and spake atop Mount Syphilis.” What a shame. Maybe that was the idea behind these words. Hide the shame of your oozing, pustuled privates with the sweet-sounding words gonorrhea and syphilis. So lyrical. Conjures up images of Greek goddesses. The statuesque, porcelain-skinned goddesses of one-night-stands and unprotected sex, sure, but still goddesses, with beautiful, lilting names. They’d be perfect for twins. Practical, too. Normally a father gets nervous seeing his little girl grow up and start to date. Rest easy, Dad. No high school horn-dog is going to want to get in the pants of Gonorrhea or Syphilis. Unless they’re super hot.
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