You Will Make Friends in All Your Classes

The most beautiful girl in your acting class will get drunk at your birthday party and lock herself in your bathroom. A crowd will gather. An upperclassman with male pattern baldness will attempt to unlock the door from the outside using a coat hanger. You will be the only one she unlocks for. She’ll cry in your arms and say why didn’t he love me? and you’ll say honey, I have no idea. You’ll fight the urge to kiss her. The impulse makes you wonder. She’ll get indie-famous but still remembers to call on your birthday. Your children will be impressed.

The redhead from your Stats class will pull your wrist so hard that it bruises, slamming you into a protruding window ledge and splitting open your eyebrow. You’ll be in Paris. She’ll be trying to get a drunken, belligerent you into a taxi as two bartenders who don’t speak English attempt to coerce you into going back to their apartment. When the blood starts pouring from your face, they’ll finally back off. Terrified, she’ll stay up all night stroking your hair and checking to make sure that you’re still breathing. When you wake up with blood on your hands she’ll say don’t worry: it’s yours. You still have the scar. She will be the Maid of Honor at your wedding.

The boy with the flat eyes in your poetry seminar will whisper that he thinks you two are soulmates and run his boney fingers through your hair. He’ll come over on Wednesday nights to watch movies and sleep in your bed without ever touching you sexually. You’ll get chocolate shakes at Jack in the Box and tell each other your worst dating stories. He’ll surprise you on your birthday, driving eight hours to get to your parents’ house the day after Easter. The second he gets a girlfriend he’ll dump you via email. You’ll show up at his apartment and knock and knock until he finally comes to the door. The harder you cry the duller those big eyes get. They get married in a hippie mountain ceremony that everyone is invited to except for you, and you wish ill on him still though you know that you shouldn’t.

The girl from your AIDS fundamentals class who keeps rolling her eyes during the weekly “Anonymous Question” section will ask you if you want to get coffee some time. Tears will roll down your face as she twirls her hair and raises her voice an octave, mimicking: If I have a cut in my eye, and my boyfriend ejaculates in my eye… can I get AIDS? You will both come dangerously close to failing the final because every time you get together to study you’ll end up watching old Grey’s Anatomy episodes and watching videos of cats flushing toilets on youtube. After class is over you won’t hang out so much, but eight years later she’ll come to town on business and you’ll make first-date conversation over cocktails. By dessert she’ll have you weeping again with laughter.

The boy from your Spanish class will invite you to a party at his house, and you’ll think it’s a date until his pretty girlfriend opens the door. You’ll be too drunk to drive home. The next morning, she’ll make you pancakes for breakfast and you’ll help her pull glass bottles from the trash and put them with the recycling. The three of you will become inseparable for one gorgeous autumn before it all falls apart. He kisses you for the first time on the patio while she’s inside talking to her sister on the phone. When she comes back, he gives her a strange look and she leans in to kiss you too. Driving home the next morning, you knock the side mirror off of your roommate’s car. You stop drinking so much after that, and devote more time to studying. You never speak to them again and you always regret it. TC mark

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  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    I'm the wife of the boy with the flat eyes. I told him to invite you to the wedding.

    • http://gearshack.blogspot.com Naked&Famous

      The more I read TC the more I feel like a voyeur creeping on the intermingled sex lives of 10 people. Seriously, did ALL of you guys go to college in NY and decide to start a website? Someone should make a mind map of all the connected tom foolery that goes on within the contributors of TC. I think it would add perspective for the readers ;) Seriously, though.

      • Anon

        perfectcircles is kidding… its her gimmick.

        lol

  • Enah Cruz

    Your boyfriend ejaculates on your blood laden eye.

  • federico

    flat eye boy

  • rick schitiltiz

    funny, i don't remember any of this, so why is it written in 2nd person?

    • http://twitter.com/brandollars Brandon Silverman

      someone hasn't been reading thought catalog very long…

      • rick schitiltiz

        thought catalog? what is thought catalog?

        if you are referring to this site, yes, i have been on 'mostly bad writers trying to write 'empathetic, edgy' pieces by overusing and misusing second person perspective' catalog, then no, i have been reading it for quite some time

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        I will battle to the death for the right to use 2nd person.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Fiveoseveniam-Lazaroff/7706828 Steven Fiveoseveniam Lazaroff

        oh you can use it for sure. i would battle to the death for your right to mis/over/appropriately use the second person. just seems like a cheap, crutchish way of universalizing a subjective experience when it is used over and over as it is here on TC.

    • saramcgrath

      lorrie moore

  • Tommmmmm

    youyouyouyouyouyou

  • Jack

    I wish I had met these people in my classes. The closest I get is somebody cumming in my eye.

  • Alex

    I would have liked this 6x as much if it had just been written in the old, honest, unpretentious first person.

  • Scytle

    i really liked this story…thats all, just really liked it.

  • http://www.astoryunravels.com Ashley Hennefer

    I usually enjoy Thought Catalog but am tired of the stories in which writers tell me how certain stages in my life are supposed to play out. The use of “you” is becoming very pretentious and feels like a douchey hipster way for us to relate to one another, and to be honest, I don't really relate to many of these stories lately. I would much rather see writers sharing their own experiences and letting me determine if I can relate or not.

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      The “you” forces you to relate to them by imagining yourself doing doing things like waking up with blood on your hands. Who among us has not experienced that, if only figuratively?

      • http://www.astoryunravels.com Ashley Hennefer

        I understand that, but there are other effective ways for the reader to relate to the author. I am already imagining the scenario and seeking those emotions so that I can connect with the piece; it leaves nothing to thought or interpretation if I, as the reader, am told exactly what to think or how to feel. I'm thinking of my favorite pieces of literature, all of which I am able to relate to without the writer writing directly toward me (mostly because I didn't exist when they were writing them, perhaps… haha). For instance, one of my favorite pieces of literature is “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” Eliot doesn't have to refer to me as “you” for me to grasp the concepts about which he is writing.

        I get your point, but I personally find it a cop-out for writers trying to evoke certain emotions. Just my opinion though.

      • rick schitiltiz

        lol are you kidding me, this sounds like junior high english class

        yes, you're not special, we all understand what these writers are trying to do… they're just not doing it right, or overdoing it

  • Michelina

    Thought Catalog is fantastic and so are “you.” Reading TC is a choice. No one is forcing you to do it, unless of course its assigned to you by one of your professors. And if thats the case then tell me where you go to school, I'm about to enroll.

    • rick schitiltiz

      you are receiving a very poor education if you can't tell the shitty writing from the good writing on this site

      • Michelina

        It has very little to do with determining if something is “shitty writing” or “good writing.” Read what you'd like and write what you'd like. If you're not into it then stop reading. It's pretty much that simple.

      • rick schitiltiz

        you were a lot smarter when you were a lasagna alfredo in a box that i microwaved for 4 minutes

      • xtos

        it has everything to do with whether something is shitty writing or not. are you retarded or do you actually believe what you're saying? let's tell every person who has ever protested or disagreed with something that they should have just went to another school, got on another bus, or moved to another country because nobody was forcing them to be there. every single person who has ever expressed an opinion about movies, writing, or music could have just stopped watching! don't they know if you have nothing nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all?

      • Anon

        Which writing is shitty and which writing is good on the website? I honestly like to know.

      • Anon

        *I honestly would like to know.

    • xtos

      wow how very clever of you to remind me that i am not being forced to read this site! i have the freedom to go anywhere else i please but not the freedom to express my reaction to media i consume yeah that makes sense.

      i wish for reading to be like sitting in front of a heating lamp with my mouth filled with chocolate so it slowly melts and slides down my throat without any conscious effort or digestion on my part. if you don't like the chocolate nobody is forcing you to eat it! please tilt your head so the sludge pours out of your mouth with minimal damage and find another heating lamp and another type of chocolate

  • RamonaCC

    Goddamn, haters be hating.

  • http://gearshack.blogspot.com Naked&Famous

    Sneaky little shit.

  • http://twitter.com/ShonNotSean Shon Mogharabi

    i dont care the writers on TC use first person or second person. these stories serve a different purpose for me. this article helped me remember all those random friends i made in each one of my college classes. it made me think about how i'll never see the majority of them again and how unique those friendships were. if you feel like these articles aren't good enough, then write one thats better or stop complaining.

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