If The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “A Shot Through The Heart (Handed To You By A Hand With No Body)”

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

Where better to start than at VANDERPUMP’s celestial palace? Soft warm sun, roses in bloom, a plush pink bathrobe, Giggy. All of it cushioned in a bed of rolling hills. Is this where we go when we die? Heaven.

Strange that VANDERPUMP’s old mansion was swallowed by the flame of Hades. And guess who lives across the street? The COUPLE MALOOF. They’re having a party to promote their new vodka Zing, the likes of which should really stay within the bounds of a 5-story Czech nightclub. In other words, if you haven’t dropped acid or bobbed for apples in an alcoholic onomatopoeia, this party is frightening.

Well, either way it’s frightening. From the tree people to the human statues to bodiless hands giving out free shots to Bernie’s cheese cubes to MALOOF’s long-winded request to dim the kitchen lights, the party is hyper terrifying. It’s the party from hell. Zing!

Perhaps all the satanic worshipping rubbed off on potential housewife MARISA. Did someone say turncoat? In front of all the mean girls, MARISA reads a text BRANDI sent that reads something like “If you want to save your marriage give each other a free night to sleep with someone else!” MARISA “I SAY WHAT I’M THINKING WHICH IS USUALLY THAT I’M SICK OF MY HUSBAND AND WANT TO SCREW ANYTHING TALL DARK AND HANDSOME” ZANUCK forgets that she’s told BRANDI — and the cameras — over and over that she’s sick of her husband and that he loves her more than she loves him. Oh, and that she’s wants to have sex with other men. It seems as if she’s using what felt like a ploy to get on TV as a ploy to get on TV. This is what we call a Zinger! Cue Satan’s laugh track.

SAINT YOLANDA will not have MARISA’s two-facedness. She sticks up for BRANDI and for that we will sacrifice a baby lemon in her name. Amen. All the while the fall of the COUPLE MALOOF begins when they cannot track down a white glove for Uncle Fester to pass out shots through a bush. And then the divorce is set in stone when ADRIENNE discovers PAUL has become one with the tree people. Later that night, in the cold damp basement ADRIENNE reserves for BERNIE to sleep, PAUL hoses off that brown poopy paint all in his lonesome as a single tear falls for his failed marriage.

Commercial break, a new day, and suddenly we learn that the COUPLE MALOOF has announced their separation. Based on the editing, we can assume they broke up over: 1. PAUL not getting in the car when the VANDERPUMP’s house burst into flames and 2. PAUL dressing up as a tree person. This all coincidentally happens on the very day of VANDERPUMP’s vow renewal party. Such loss in the face of love. Or such a we knew this was coming in the face of love.

At VANDY’s party everyone wears black except goddesses YOLOLO and BRANDI and we meet TURNCOAT’s mother who may or may not be the same age as her daughter? This is Hollywood! KYLE admits she’s had lipo for her love handles like I would admit I never actually read Moby Dick. There’s a priest who’s drinking and gay, TAYLOR makes a laugh out loud (at her, not with her) entrance flanked between two Chip N Dale dancers and it’s all kind of wonderful.

The only thing that could possibly ruin this party is the black hole of joy herself, FAYE RESNICK and those who circulate in the tornado of doom around her. FAYE and her minions believe BRANDI is responsible for the crumbling of the MALOOF marriage. Do they not know that PAUL painted himself to be a tree person? KYLE and CAMILLE, in desperate hope to pin the MALOOF separation on BRANDI explain that bickering all the time “worked for them!” Forget that the sound of each other’s voice felt like a cheese grater on the other’s soul. Nope! It “worked” for them. That’s like saying to Camille that it wasn’t the fact that your husband impregnated another woman while you were married — because that worked for you — but that BRANDI’s gossip destroyed it. Zing!

Finally, YOLOLO and BRANDI, basking in the sun’s glow like goddesses, pull MARISA aside to discuss her mean girl actions at MALOOF’s party. Dwarfed and dumbfounded in the goddesses’ presence, MARISA plays the semantics game which YOLOLO squashes immediately and things seem to hit a plateau as MARISA is really just explaining the men she would want to fuck instead of her husband…

What BRANDI, YOLOLO, and ZANUCK don’t realize is that they’re about to be attacked by a tree person. Faye, who’s carved out of a 2,000 year redwood, manages to butt her way into the conversation and starts spitting venom on BRANDI. Like a tree person who’s spent a lot of time in porn, FAYE uses the phrase “bad girl” way too often and makes it clear she thinks that BRANDI is solely responsible for the failed MALOOF marriage. Even ZANUCK is just like “WTF Faye? Who’s that guy?” and b-lines to make out with what seems to be a hand with no body passing out shots.

Across the rose-petal sprinkled pool, VANDERPUMP sips on rosé and enjoys the beautiful evening as the sun goes down over the hills. Giggy in one arm, KEN in another, all is well in the world. And then, out of the corner of her eye she catches a glimpse of FAYE, who she did not invite, and mumbles, “What the devil — ” Zing! TC mark

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