If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “Game of Scones”

Real Housewives of Bevery Hills
Real Housewives of Bevery Hills
Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

We begin in the Oval Office of KYLE’s life: her bathroom. See, she actually believes she’s President of the United States. The United States for KYLE, consists of Beverly Hills, Palm Springs, Napa, Ojai, and its Alaska: Vegas. MAURICIO, Chief of Staff, enters. They talk politics like who said what in Vegas. KYLE makes the executive decision to take a meeting with VANDERPUMP to smooth over the alliance. She explains to the camera and her Chief of Staff why she uses FAYE, or MADONNA’S FAKE ENGLISH ACCENT, as her mouthpiece: she’s scared of confrontation. Will KYLE win her eleventh term as president in her own head? Get out the vote.

KYLE arrives at VANDERPUMP’s absolutely incredibly beautiful holy crap Lisa Vanderpump tell me how you make your money house?????!?!!? They get down to business quickly. Why didn’t KYLE defend VANDERPUMP from CAMILLE’s statement that VANDY doesn’t actually own her restaurants. KYLE’s diplomacy tactic relies on throwing BRANDI under the bus with a sprinkle of “I used to be child actor” tears; VANDERPUMP’s not buying it, not even over a glass of rosé.

And now, we take a break from the glitz, glam and gossip of the BEVERLY HILLS HOUSEWIVES and we ask you to reach deep down into your pockets and pull out any change you can find to donate to YOLANDA. Why? Her daughter only has one horse. That’s all YOLANDA can afford. And before you ask “wait a second, isn’t her kid’s dad like the richest dude in Beverly Hills?” shut your mouth. YOLOLO needs us. This is something not even a million gallons of lemons-turned-lemonade, Grammys melted down into gold, or camels at engagement parties can help. Thank you. (Also YOLOLO thinks KYLE is in the wrong re: MALOOF V. BRANDI so that makes her deserving as well.)

Back to VILLA ROSSA—VANDERPUMP’s incredible abode — for a tea party with the girls. VANDERPUMP counsels BRANDI to watch her mouth in front of MALOOF. This is when the clip from earlier in the season plays where MALOOF says with such evil joy at the delirium of possibly suing: “Oh boy, she’s gonna get slapped with fat ole’ lawsuit.” And we’re reminded that yes, BRANDI should be scared of MALOOF’s suing dick.

TAYLOR shows up giving off the uniquely uncomfortable vibe that she was just released from an insane asylum and so does the limo carrying MALOOF, KYLE, and MADONNA’S FAKE ENGLISH ACCENT. Strange thing though, VANDY did not invite MADONNA’S FAKE ENGLISH ACCENT. Hmm. Thanks KYLE.

But, cheer up because with tragedy, there is comedy. And in this scene VANDY receives a hilarious call from KIM claiming to have been punched in her newly nose-jobbed nose by her puppy. Only Kim! Or, only someone who is so high on painkillers they came up with an excuse so dumb it’s actually genius!

At the tea party without tea, the rosé flows. The ladies sit down, cheer, and clink glasses. KYLE says “we all have so much to be grateful for” to which TAYLOR, although not filmed, rolls her eyes. Clink clink clink. BRANDI and MALOOF even cheers each other. The ladies unwrap the hostess’s adorable gifts, and joke about TAYLOR’s gymnastics which she plays so perfectly by teasingly threatening to “sue” if she breaks her neck doing said gymnastics. Initially MALOOF hears the word “sue” and gets horny, but soon enough realizes the pointed comment. TAYLOR plays the sue card even harder and VANDY pulls TAYLOR aside and tells her to stop it. MADONNA’S FAKE ACCENT is so excited. But this is what CRAZY LIPS ARMSTRONG wants. She wants to make everyone realize they wronged her last season by zoning her out when she and her husband sent out a suing letter. CRAZY LIPS is here for revenge!!! This is why she accepted an invitation to the tea party. That, and the free robe.

CRAZY LIPS instigates the situation, asking BRANDI if she received a suing letter from MALOOF. MALOOF completely denies sending BRANDI a “letter” and uses lawyer-y phrases like “look at her character” to “prove her case” that BRANDI is a slut who shant be trusted in court of MALOOF! The lovely rosé party turns into a you’re suing and you’re not suing party and MALOOF boomerangs the issue at hand by bringing up some tweet that made her cry while sitting on the toilet because that’s where she has BERNIE read her Twitter feed aloud. What MALOOF doesn’t understand is that BRANDI can read her own Twitter.

And a beautiful tea party is ruined. Who won this round? CRAY LIPS ARMSTRONG. (But in KYLE’s head KYLE won.) Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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