If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “She’s Gone Too Far”

Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

At the house on the hill residence of RICHARDS/UMANSKY, we learn that somebody in the family has pissed somebody off enough to egg their property on more than one occasion. Or, this may possibly be part of MAURICIO’s long-term plan to surprise his daughter with a new car. This is MAURICIO’s way of showing love: freak out a loved one within the house about something happening outside the house, like “I’m really concerned about all these dead bodies piling up on our lawn, sweetie.” He then takes them outside and blindsides them with a “Can you believe the smell of the rotting dead? But… the good thing is you can get away from this hell by locking yourself in your new car!!!!!” This particular surprise car, excuse me, Mercedes, is for his sixteen year old daughter, ALEXIA, because she gets good grades. But what about the eggs?

At some sushi place, BRANDI meets with her book agent to gossip. BRANDI rehashes Ojai drama, pretends that she doesn’t want her photo on her book cover, and repeats to us that she loves saying “Fuck.” We get the strangest subtle/unsubtle advertisement for Chelsea Handler’s That Book/This Book. We can assume the book agent will pay the check.

At VANDERPUMP’s SUR LOUNGE, she’s “preparing the tasting menu” while really just promoting her new spin-off “Vanderpump Rules.” To learn more about this scene, just watch that show.

Prepping for VANDERPUMP’s tasting party, we learn that BRANDI’s bedroom kinda looks like our bedroom! She’s one of us!!!


That evening at SUR LOUNGE, the guests arrive for the tasting. BRANDI’s hair is very straight. KIM arrives uncharacteristically early. Besides the filet mignon with goat cheese and tomato salad with cilantro vinaigrette being quite delicious and KYLE making KIM’s addiction about herself, things are uneventful. Until… BRANDI drops some slander on the FAMILY MALOOF that is SO PRIVATE IT’S EDITED OUT. The plot device for this episode, and probably upcoming ones, is a secret. We only know that what BRANDI says about the FAMILY MALOOF is that it’s so below the belt, Bravo won’t air it. We can assume from that weird pregnancy convo last episode and the mentioning of children that it’s something close to heart, possibly child-related. What we do know is that this means war! Who will rule as the liar-y-ist liar in the land?

On a sunny afternoon at the mansion MALOOF, the couple prepares for a family barbeque that is really pretty disturbing for the folks who will eat those hot dogs. After MR. MALOOF ditches the barbeque claiming he needs to spend time with his kids in the pool, MRS. MALOOF and family get to body shaming him. FAMILY! SALLY the housekeeper endures quite a lot. Spin off?

Back at the Wall of Eggs, KYLE combs her locks and asks the mirror who is the prettiest in the land. Before we hear the answer [it’s LeAnn Rimes], KYLE informs us that MAURICIO will be even richer than before with his new agency, The Agency. As soon as she utters this we can imagine her telling MAURICIO how “sexy” she thinks that name is. It’s just so sleek and sexy because it’s an agency. That’s what it is. THE Agency. THE AGENCY’s throwing a soirée in the evening to promote itself and give the HOUSEWIVES a chance to embarrass themselves.

That they do!

On the roof of some Los Angeles high rise, CAMILLE’s new boyfriend is a passionate soul with, get this, a huge penis. WE GET IT CAMILLE. The other ladies show up and KIM, taking on her sister’s usual role as shit-stirrer, goes straight to the MALOOFS to tell them about The-Thing-That-Must-Not-Be-Named which BRANDI dropped at SUR. The MALOOFS go ape shit. Whether or not BRANDI’s comment went too far, MR. MALOOF gets kind of too aggressive and scary [not good for selling condos]. The MALOOFS’ reactions are so heated it makes it seem that whatever The-Thing-That-Must-Not-Be-Named is, it’s definitely for sure no question 100% true. MRS. MALOOF is less angry about the so-called slander than she is excited about a new opportunity to sue! She loves suing. That’s what her book is about.

YOLANDA has no part in this episode since sh­­e got lost on an early morning jog in Ojai. TC Mark

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