If The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “Girls Gone Ojai’ld!”

Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

We resume in serene OJAI at the Dinner of Shut the Fuck Up where we get to hear another grating rendition of MALOOF saying, “Uh oh, somebody’s crying,” and the clear as ice retort from BRANDI: “Shut the fuck up.” MALOOF does not understand what this means. She understands “shut up” because she says this to her husband quite often, but what is this F-word in the middle? She will follow the clues from the women around her and try to figure this out.

KIM and BRANDI leave for the ladies’ room to recoup while KYLE takes this chance to pounce on BRANDI’s choice words — for a true housewife ne’er uses the F-word at someone who makes more money than them. LISA defends BRANDI, alliances have been drawn. Yee-haw. Ojai.

In the bathroom BRANDI consoles KIM while memories of the crystal meth remark linger in her now sober brain. Meanwhile KYLE keeps trying to stir the “shut the fuck up” pot and MALOOF’s getting the hang of it now. She understands it was “inappropriate” maybe even “very inappropriate” of BRANDI to tell her to “shut the fuck up” so she just repeats the word “inappropriate” for the rest of dinner. She doesn’t even realize that her different shades of emerald earrings and necklace clash so offensively it’s “inappropriate” to my eyes.

LISA takes off to the ladies’ room after being harped on by KYLE and advises BRANDI to negotiate a peace treaty. The Treaty of Ojai is ratified back at the table where BRANDI apologizes for using the F-word and MALOOF, fearful of any type of unplanned confrontation, immediately accepts.

Soon after, a literary agent — he is gay; he must must must be gay for this scene to work — calls BRANDI to presumably tell her that her book was sold, and she announces the news to the girls. They are anything but excited to congratulate her and joke that they need to meditate to get over the news. KIM loves to meditate! We can assume she’s been in a meditative trance this entire season so far. TAYLOR is especially offended that BRANDI is selling her divorce off in a book because BRANDI called her out for writing a book too soon after the whole RUSSELL thing that’s frankly to sad to talk about while being so incredibly catty. YOLANDA attempts to police the HOUSEWIVES by telling them how real women should act. The HOUSEWIVES are like, bitch you joined THIS SHOW. LISA sums the issue up for us: both TAYLOR and BRANDI need some CASH. MALOOF announces she gets a book deal, too. We can assume it was a coupon at Barnes and Noble. Cheers!

The next morning, CAMILLE tells us that she’s moved on with her life. Cool. She’s so likeable we understand why she’s been bumped.

In the bedroom of LISA and BRANDI, LISA instills some diction etiquette on the “Fuck Queen” and we learn the couple MALOOF have solicited BRANDI to Twitter hate on LISA because THAT is how C-list celebs — can we call them that? — wage war! If only YOLANDA knew about this…

In this next essential scene, the girls ride in golf carts and destroy the wonderful game of badminton. We learn that YOLANDA wants to win. Everything. She is intense. This intensity will hopefully foreshadow some intenseness that causes some drama in the future.

The girls then travel to SPA OJAI. KIM cheers to nakedness and “reaching up” with friends. Her chillness is kinda amazing. Once in the Kuyam room someone tells them to put stuff on their bodies. A lesbian vibe takes over. Backs are bared. Breasts pushed a little to high above the towel. TAYLOR licks her lips. KYLE begins to touch herself — before the sexual tension gets too overwhelming, YOLANDA and LISA who have been around the block a couple more times and know that these lesbian Ojai retreats only lead to broken hearts, break the tension with a towel fight. YOLANDA wins. KIM is left alone with CAMILLE. They are “reaching up.”

Later that evening, dinner is served buffet style and introduced by CHAD. CHAD! Everything’s farm-to-table, and oh my god, there’s a beet salad. CAMILLE carries some unique to OJAI pixies and some unique to nowhere truffle mac and cheese back to the table by way of her own personal table of breasts, unique to her. You could plate a four-course dinner on those things.

While CHAD is in heaven soaking up CAMILLE’s rack, his archenemy, CHRISTOPHER the sommelier, shows up to steal some attention to present a bottle of wine he claims is as beautiful and fashion-forward as the women who will drink it.
Whether YOLANDA can sense tacky a mile away or is really doing what seems to be stem cell treatment to help her intense back pain and therefore cannot drink, she refuses to drink form the Gaultier designed bottle. This should raise interesting questions on stem cell research in America, but it doesn’t.

Let the birth stories commence! Chitter chatter of C-sections and vaginal birth takes place. C-section? Vaginal? Vaginal? C-section? CAMILLE doesn’t understand how sometimes conversations can happen about things like, say child birth, that maybe you didn’t do yourself, but you can probably relate to and still participate in. Was the surrogate of her children KELSIE?

Following dinner, BRANDI concocts a shot to get the girls get drunk. YOLANDA skips out because she likes to workout in the morning. That is vacation for her. KIM ducks out as well because she’s trying to be sober. Snaps for that. Take snaps back for telling BRANDI she doesn’t like her. KYLE is right: Awkward.

A lot more drunk, BRANDI is fully in her element and leads the girl to the room of arm wrestling, handstands and no underwear. Lesbian undertones. Actually, lesbian overtones: TAYLOR mounts BRANDI, we get to see TAYLOR’s butt and MALOOF sniff panties. MALOOF is also is super slimy while trying to arm wrestle BRANDI. Either that or she’s just confused.

Bright and early the next morning YOLANDA screws on her head and goes for a run because that’s what real women do, and if you don’t ask her, she’ll tell you. She then expresses her utter distaste for drunk women and KYLE’s like, bitch then what are you doing here?

Awake and packed up, the women parade out of the OJAI mansion to their hummer limo that will take them back to where they belong. But it wouldn’t be a HOUSEWIVES episode without rehashing something stupid. Yep, we get to go back to the “shut the fuck up” situation thanks to KYLE. BRANDI is all like, look ladies, MALOOF was being a bitch, calling out KIM’s tears and trying to ruin an important moment for our relationship. MALOOF explains that her intention was to comfort KIM. Deep down, though, everybody knows that MALOOF was just saying “somebody’s crying” because she forgot KIM’s name and she saw that somebody was crying. There was no intention behind it. Intention requires more forethought than MALOOF was capable of that night.

We end on a shaky close up of MALOOF’s pensive face. She’s texting BERNIE telling him not to make beet salad tonight. She’s had enough already this weekend. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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