iPhones, Samsungs, And Uncommitted Sex

Yutaka Tsutano
Yutaka Tsutano

It was recently brought to my attention by my brother that I have commitment issues in relationships. He pointed out that I have never had an official, titled girlfriend for an extended period of time, and that I have always justified my extra curricular actions with trivial points. Eventually, I came to agree with him — though not before an unrelated situation which befell me shortly thereafter.

Before one solves a problem, it would be most efficient to figure out the root of the problem at hand. Was I not coddled enough as a child? Was I used to people coming in and out of my life so I purposefully did not get attached? Do my nomadic ways play a role in my decision making, leading me to feel that it would be unwise to settle knowing I may have to leave? Maybe I just like women too much; I don’t know.

I have walls, I have barriers. I’m overly calculated and logical. I don’t express my feelings. Sometimes I’m removed and a little cold. But this dilemma seeps out into other areas in my life and the commitment demons never let me rest. I have never had a long term gym membership: I would rather pay more money for a month-to-month plan than save money and sign up for a 12-month deal. The same is to be said for my mobile phone situation; I have never entered into a two year contract.

And mobile phones are the exact reason I had the opportunity to take a look at myself.

I pledged my life to Apple about a decade ago. I have never owned a personal PC and I never will. They’re disgusting and God forbid I ever have to press a “start” button ever again. I’ve also used an iPhone for years and I thought our relationship would never end… then I went to the mall. On a casual trip to purchase a body warmer so I could turn my winter swag up to 101, I was minding my business then there she was — tall, wide hips, bright face, easy to use — a Samsung Note II.

Real flash browser, real multitasking, stylus, fully customizable; I was intrigued. I further piqued my interest by having a little play with it, all the while my guilt-ridden heart and mind thought about my precious iPhone 5. But my lust for the Samsung grew stronger. She could do all the little things I like; things my iPhone couldn’t do. She was open to suggestions and she kept urging me to try her more.

The grass definitely looked greener on the other side. My emotions tangled and I started justifying why the Samsung would suit me more. I even went as far as professing my love for her on my social networks. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her after ripping the package open. I began to think of excuses to let my trusty iPhone go. I had to let her down easy. Then a friend asked why I would want to make such a despicable decision. What would lead me to break up with my girlfriend of 3 years?

I hurridly explained all the Samsung’s features with vigor. He countered that the iPhone can do all the things I need and love, and that the Samsung was just a bit… Well, messy. It was all over the place; there was far too much going on. And then it suddenly struck me. I had the crucial epiphany and my eyes were forcefully opened. This was a direct metaphor to my relationships with women. My iPhone was there for me through thick and thin. We grew together and she helped with my reminders. I took her to meetings where she spoke for me and sealed the deal.

We even have kids together (my iPad, MacBook Pro, and iTunes) and she handles them with proficiency and love — more so than the Samsung could ever do. Sure, I can attach mp3s in an email with the Note II, or change my icon sizes, but I came this far without needing any of that. I’m sticking with my loyal iPhone as she was there from day one. We’ve had our struggles and strifes but nonetheless she makes me happy. I’ll see it through, not only because the other lusty perks offered to me by competitors won’t add an increased value to my life, but because I need to learn to see a good thing and stick with it.

Yes, I get somewhat bored with the repetitiveness and mundane, clockwork like tasks, and something new, unknown and exciting would add some temporary satisfaction to my plate… but what happens after week three or four? Or month sixth? My girl has the original App Store. Her camera has always been great and she spearheaded the pinch-zoom function. And I love her.

I salute you, Samsung. You were the big boobed, sultry woman that temporarily knocked me off my path for a quick dip in the polygamous gadget pool. We kissed, we touched — forgivable actions. But I didn’t abandon my anchor and quickly elope with you. I didn’t bring you into my home or stick any hardware devices into your awaiting passages. Close, but no cigar.

Besides, I like my women like I like my pancakes: very, very American. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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