Today’s topic is of upmost importance. Unless you have been nose deep in traffic disturbing Occupy Protests and capitalistic Kony upheaval, you will have noticed a slight increase in temperature. The birds are chirping and flowers shall bloom at any moment. This can only mean one thing: Summer Single Season (SSS) looms upon us. SSS is the time of year to cut off your winter-boo as the amount of visible, toned, tanned flesh will be too much for even the most self-controlled person to handle. Tis the period of high conception rate and I’d be a bumbling imbecile to let the opportunity to impregnate a cultured American woman for a green card pass me by.
Guys, how would you feel knowing your friends were free from the clutches of their December spoon buddy and were out getting belligerently drunk on topless beaches? Disgusted with yourself, perhaps? Ladies, would it hurt you to find out that your pals were being complemented on their aesthetics; being whistled at by road-workers as they pretended to be offended? Left out? Don’t you dare think about reaching for that Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie tub to wallow in self pity.
No, do not be disheartened, for I shall guide you towards the correct rules for SSS. But before you begin, the first line of protocol is a difficult one; you must release your winter-boo and let them become a free agent. The character of said individual will determine how you choose to notify them of your parting ways. My hindsight advice is to inform them at the beginning that you are not looking for a relationship, making it easier to slip away. But do so with respect and precise calculation; do not burn any bridges. If done tactfully, you may have the opportunity to re-draft them when the October signing periods comes about.
Here are the three main steps to achieving a successful Summer Single Season. Take heed the advice offered and you shall thrive in the months where the sun beams.
1. The Gym Is Your Friend
Sure, you could just lie on the sand like an orphaned humpback whale, but this does not work in your favor. It is no coincidence that the peacock with the most vibrant plume or the lion whose mane is the largest has a better probability of mating with whom he chooses to court. You must apply these same principles to your life. SSS is not the season for book club gatherings — initial attraction relies on vision. We are nearing the end of March. This means you have approximately three months to get yourself right, and Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
Fellas, your wifebeater will not magically fill itself out. You must train hard and the results will speak for themselves. Do you know how many women that work in mall booths have clamored to my side to comment on the width of my shoulders as I strolled past the stores? The number is uncountable.
Ladies, along with baby soft skin and perky assets, a flat stomach is one of the most important points to a successful encounter. Your cute cut-off t-shirt or bikini should not be overshadowed by waves of cookie dough. Additional situps and crunch routines should be performed before you lay your head down to sleep
2. Manage Your Thirst
Thirst: fueled by sexual attraction- a person’s insatiable desire to communicate with, look at, or engage in physical acts with another person.
I’ve seen many a decent man fall victim to the screen capture function of a smartphone due to his lack of thirst control. Heartless women have posted conversations for the world to see where the unsuspecting victim was showering her with praise, with her replying nothing more than the dreaded, one-syllable “K.”
Guys, you must adhere to the “holla twice” rule. If you attempt to communicate with, or arrange to meet her, twice without her replying you must immediately cease contact. You do not want to cross over into the “creeper” zone as all possibility of getting with her will be whisked away before your eyes. Be careful how you comment on her Facebook or instagram pics. A “nice” or “pretty” on one or two pics is sufficient. But leaving detailed notes on several images will result in you being labeled a molester. Whilst courting in person, keep it short and sweet. In club settings a hand on a back as you whisper in her ear will do. Grabbing her or holding her wrist as you inform her you shall be getting married will leave you in the depths of “ewww” forever more.
Ladies, ladies, ladies. There are few things more off-putting than a thirsty woman. By all means show interest or approach a man. But be too persistent and you shall be given the “slore” moniker. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. Anytime your name is brought up, a high-5 shall be interchanged between bros with fits of derisive laughter echoing throughout the locker room. Sexy, not slovenly; Attainable, not easy; Freaky, not unpresentable; Classy, not stuck up. Yes, I know — you have a lot to abide by. But this is not by force…live your life and be my guest if you want to be a hot topic for the wrong reasons.
3. Lower Your Emotional Expectations
The worst thing you can do is hoodwink yourself into believing your summer fling in Miami will transform into a long term relationship. That south beach bunny that made out with your baby maker during the condo party has zero intentions of being pen-pals when you return home. Of course some F-buddys become lovers, but if you’re actively participating in SSS you must remember not to get caught up as only heartbreak, whisky, and Drake songs await you. Keep your head above the water in those summer seas. Unless you can put your hand on your heart and say to yourself “I want this person to have my kids,” then it is nothing more than fun frolicking.
Most of you would have seen The Notebook, the feature film in which the lead character let her summer emotions get the best of her, an act that resulted in her cheating on her fiancé — a stellar man, might I add. Her SSS rules went to smithereens, which in turn caused a lot of headache for all parties involved. Then women worldwide shed tears for the movie as if she wasn’t sharing her vajay with someone other than her husband-to-be. Just total and utter discombobulation. Lack of respect for the summer game just wreaked havoc throughout that script, and the same occurs in real life. Don’t let this be you.
There you have it, the keys to a successful summer.
This season will also be the most important in human history as planet earth ends in December. Please plan ahead and compete with vigor. When doomsday approaches, you do not want want to be filled with thoughts of “shoulda, woulda, coulda,” or, “if only I ran my hand down her friend’s thighs as I kissed her, the end result might have been a calculated Ménage A Trois.”
Wrap it up. Strive and thrive.