To The Person I Hate Most In This World

I hate you for letting everything get to me.
I hate you for giving me things to overthink about.
I hate you for giving me insecurities.
I hate how you easily made me lose confidence in myself.
I hate how you made me punish myself for other people’s mistakes.
I hate how you don’t know how dark it can be inside my head. 

I hate how you make me fake my laughs.
I hate how you make me pretend to function normally even though I feel so miserable.
I hate you for letting me have relationships with the wrong people.
I hate you for making me break down my walls.
I hate you for letting me believe I can have faith in people.
I hate you for making me believe I could trust.
And most of all, I hate you for letting me fall in love with the darkness.

There’s this person. We were friends once… more than friends, actually. This person was very special to me. I valued our relationship. I was very loyal to this person.  We were very close and this person knew almost all of my deepest and darkest secrets. This person was one of the people I would run to if I had problems or even if I was just having the blues.

Now you see, I have major trust issues. In the past, I repeatedly trusted all the wrong people. I did everything I could to make all those relationships work but how will it work if things only get done on just one end of the rope? I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but friendships as well, and even relationships with my relatives. At some point, all of them had done things to betray me. I’m not saying it’s all their faults. I made mistakes too. I guess one of my faults was just that I believed in them so damn much that I didn’t even value my feelings anymore. I always thought if I did everything to make them feel special, everything would be okay. I didn’t care if I was miserable as long I made those people happy. When I transferred colleges three years ago, I vowed to myself that I would not let anybody run me over ever again. I built my walls.

Okay, back to the person. I think it’s obvious now that this certain someone did something to betray me. It’s so frustrating that it took me almost four years to learn how to trust people again and just when I broke down my walls, shit happened once again. I’m not mad at this person because of how they betrayed me, I’m just mad because I did nothing bad to this person and yet I ended up being betrayed.

When will this cycle end? It just gets so tiring to be repeatedly screwed over by people I thought I could trust.

They don’t even realize what they had done. They don’t get it. Even the people comforting me don’t get it. It’s not easy when you’ve spent years to puzzle the pieces of your soul only to have them shattered again because of a ruined trust. It’s not easy to always have dark thoughts every minute of every day. It’s not easy to feel so disappointed with life. It’s not easy to feel so angry at someone. It’s not easy to feel scared of meeting someone new. It’s not easy to have doubts about people because you keep comparing them with people from your past. It’s not easy to spend years trying to trash your insecurities and boost your self-esteem only to have it experience ground zero. It’s not easy starting back at the very beginning.

I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. Every time I see or even think about this person, I just feel so much anger and so much disappointment. I’m not saying I’m a perfect person. I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes, because I did. I’m just so angry because I thought (s)he was a better person than me. I didn’t want this person to be on the same path that I was on because I knew that it wasn’t a good path. I had so much hopes for this person. It’s just so sad to be betrayed by someone so close to you.

Despite all the rage I feel towards this person, (s)he is not the person I hate the most because the person I hate the most is, none other than, myself.