It’s 2016, and our phones are for watching TV, our vegetables are for juicing to a pulp, and our desks are for throwing dirty clothes on (right?). So with all that change, it comes to no surprise that wine glasses have been slowly moving out of necessity.
If you’re worried I’m talking about the end of wine, take a deep breath (or sip) and come back down to reality—I’m from New Jersey and really think I’d be arrested for even thinking that thought.
What I mean is, with minimal storage space and even more minimal coupons to a Pier 1 Imports, the various sipping utensils in our kitchen have enrolled in a UCB Improv class. While the end goal is always a perfect glass, or bottle, of wine, how you get there says a lot more about you than you think.
You just moved a few months ago, and like are in no way going to take a subway to like, Home Goods & try and carry four wine glasses back. Plus, you love how you can write off using one as being ‘hip and young,’ when in reality you’re ‘lazy and want to pour a Real Housewives of New Jersey amount of wine into your glass.’
Stemless Wine Glass
Once bitten, twice knocked over an actual wine glass while reaching for another last bite of baked brie. You know what you’re worth, and that’s not a lot, but hey – girl’s gotta eat. The silver lining is that you can also use these glasses very easily for the whiskey ginger you decide to make yourself after you finish the bottle of wine; further proving how not ready for a real wine glass you are.
You love a fun Snapchat moment, and want everyone to know that there’s definitely, maybe wine in here. The only times you ever went to the library in college was just when your WiFi gave out and you had to see who won The Bachelorette. Obviously, your trusted travel buddy came along for the ride.
You’re spiritually, and probably actually, the oldest person at the party. SWUG doesn’t even begin to cover it. And while you’re definitely over large crowds and guys named Colin shouting the words to Billy Joel, you’re definitely still very into making red wine teeth your statement piece of the night. PS, it’s totally okay to still think Colin is hot, and to make your Tinder radius one mile to see if you match. You’re still human, girl.
Fuck Jason, fuck your friends, and most importantly, FUCK A SERVING SIZE. You haven’t done the dishes in over a week, but you also haven’t cooked since you moved in, so the measuring cup is perfectly clean and ready for a bottle of good ole Woodbridge to light your fire. Remember not to double tap that Instagram from three years ago, but if you do, just stop for a minute and think that maybe all the times you ironically said ‘everything happens for a reason’ actually might be true. You will wake up the next morning with cheese in your bed, but don’t worry, you definitely ate all the crackers. Calories don’t count when you’re living your best damn life.
Out of the Bottle
Lady Gaga put it best when she said, “baby I was born this way.” You’ll chug your heart out, dance your heart out, and definitely almost vomit your heart out, but it’s all okay, because as your other role model, Hannah Montana also told you, “nobody’s perfect, I gotta work it, again and again ‘til I finish this Pinot,” or something like that. You’re too drunk to correct me anyway. And I love you for that.