5 Fake Diets I’ve Tried Because I’m Lazy

We all want to lose ten pounds. We all could probably lose three pounds. BUT, none of us really want to move at all. We’re stuck in the circle came of chip-dip-sip-repeat, which I must admit is a pretty nice life. Until your stomach reminds you of a muffin and your pants are exclusively elastic. And we know the best, and only way, to really lose weight is through steady diet and exercise—we all try to cut corners. Here are some of the stupidest, and not at all effective, ways in which I tried to shrink my waist a lil’ bit.


Hmm, I love to sleep. Plus, I’m already in bed since I spend most of my time in it, why not give it a shot! If I’m sleeping, I can’t eat (#BewareNightCheese) and therefore can’t gain weight! Right? I feel that my average performance in AP Biology a few years ago can back me up on this claim. Oh, it’s 3 A.M. and I woke up hungry and just ate half a bag of Doritos? I guess that works too.


Ha, nice try stomach!! YOU want me to eat? I got half-a-pack of Orbit in my pocket, this bitch is gonna be thin. Wow, this gum thing is really working. Maybe I should go to H&M and buy new jeans. Wait. I’m starving. Did I really think I would just chew gum through my lunch break? Ugh and my teeth kind of hurt from all of this gum.. is that normal? Whatever, I’m getting Halal.


Not today, snacks! I’m going to just drink coffee all day, everyday. I mean, I do that already? Maybe if I just up my intake I won’t even crave food. Nothing I love more than an iced coffee. Ugh, I’m dehydrated, but like losing weight takes sacrifice. Ooooh… Starbucks is doing a treat receipt… and like, it would be fiscally stupid to not come back for a chocolate croissant. After all, in this economy you gotta get a deal whenever you can. #WhatWouldSuzeOrmanDo.


While I highly recommend this for life in general, don’t bank on it to help you really lose weight. Just because you shimmied to “Love Is A Battlefield” while drinking half a bottle of wine and making a quesadilla, you still ended up finishing the bottle and the leftover cheese in your bed with no movement. But like, while you may have actually gained weight, you still had a pretty great night.


I think this was the stupidest one, because like post 8 P.M. is prime snack time. While I know that’s the reason why you shouldn’t eat that much after it… what else are you supposed to do? Like I’m going to watch The Real Housewives of New York with a cup of tea? Romona would freak. Plus, just like my napping attempt—all efforts fail when the midnight snack craving starts. No one is strong enough to calm that desire. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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