The Embarrassing Things That Happen When You’ve Got A Hot Neighbor
By Danny Murphy
Unlike Friends, in real life you most likely do not live down the hall from all of your beeeeesties. So, you have some randos, some acquaintances, and maybe an elderly bachelor here and there to comprise your building. You move your boxes in, the Keurig you stole from your last office, and whatever memorabilia you have to turn this ~house into a home~ (read: shot glasses).
But wait, during your struggle carrying a box full of your underwear, which have now fallen all over the ground outside your door, someone lends a hand. Donned in your best move in attire—ripped sweats, an oversized and stained t-shirt, and tears—you aren’t really in the mood to make friends. And that is when you realize, fuck, your neighbor is hot. Proving the existence of the Hot Neighbor Theorem.
While most sociological journals are still pending the validity of this hypothesis, I am here to cosign on its realness. Hot Neighbor Theorem is kind of like Murphy’s Law, where if anything could go wrong it will, except here—if anything embarrassing could happen, it will, and in front of your hot neighbor. Order enough Chinese food to get three chopsticks around, 2 P.M. on a Sunday?
Yup, they see you trying to find a loose dollar for a tip while already eating a container of scallion pancakes! Run into a tree branch while going to Dunkin Donuts and completely wipe out on the side of the street? They give you a look that people give stray cats they see in their garbage and say, “you okay?”
Unfortunately, there is no cure or way to prevent this theorem from coming into fruition. I mean, unless you want to change all your daily routines or something, but then you might not be able to sometimes catch The Wendy Williams Show when you’re randomly near a TV in the morning, and is that really worth it?
The best thing you can do is embrace it like every character in a romantic comedy embraces their crazy, fictional life. And hey, it works for them. They see you carrying balloons AND a cake at the same time only to have it all fall? I hear wedding bells! And you could move, but the theorem is international—unless maybe in Georgia; because is anyone ‘hot’ in Georgia?