Relationships are fun and awesome things, but sometimes get hard to define. Like, are you exclusive with that person you hooked up with at the bar last night? I mean, he introduced you to his parents! (Hint: no, you’re not exclusive. And no, he didn’t introduce you to his parents, he lives with them. Run away). But for the most part, it’s really hard to tell where you romantically stand with someone. UNTIL NOW. Luckily for you, I made a guideline of the stages most relationships go through set to the beautiful, soprano shouts of none other than Mariah Carey. I hope it not only touches your body, but your soul.
Mama sees and mama wants. This is also the “pre-totally official,” or as our generation will say—WE’RE TALKING/HANGING OUT/CHILLING—which aren’t really relationship statuses, but sure! Everything is new and you’re loving it and doing a lot of loving (Fuck, I forever write like I’m a ‘fun’ aunt). For the most part you’re not having a lot of problems at this stage, mainly because you two aren’t doing much to start any. That is, unless one of you puts a flick up on YouTube.
UH OHHH, you’re feeling it all. You’ve started to slowly graduate from the purely physical part of your attraction and kind of care abut the other person? You text them during the day and eat meals together, real meals that aren’t just two-too many slices of pizza after 3 AM (now it’s just two-too many slices of pizza around 5:30 PM).
You both are beginning to realize what’s going on here. It’s love and there’s no denying it, and now after a series of cute little talks you have an internal monologue of how is the best way to break the news of your new, official, relationship—Facebook update? No, too real. A tweet that says, “SUCK IT!!!”? Ugh, my boss follows me on twitter, that may end badly. Fine, I’ll just put a cute Instagram of us up with some heart and smiley faces, these bitches will put it together. #EmojisWorth1000Words
Awww, so cute. You two are absolutely killing it, and your couple Instagram definitely got over 80 likes. Now you go to brunch on the weekends, and maybe a holiday even passed and you exchanged gifts that weren’t Dunkin gift cards (even though that’s all I ever, ever want). But things are going well. You’re happy and comfortable! Which can only mean one thing… you’re about to break up.
Babe, but the phone down and stop refreshing Foursquare to see if your ex checks in anywhere. They won’t, because no one uses Foursquare. It happens, you’re done. I know it sucks but there’s no point in looking at their friend’s mobile uploads and sending it to your photography major friend to see who your ex is talking to in the background.
Your craziness is wearing off, and now you’re all about tryna get by. Good for you! Maybe take a yoga class, or talk about taking a yoga class. I heard they do wonders. Plus, if you ever wanted an excuse to eat a ton of take out food without being guilty about it, now’s your chance—no ones going to call a broken heart fat, unless they’re Suze Orman.
You’re healed! Ish. But you’re definitely in a much better place and are almost at the end of your #journey. Proud of you. Really. You’re shaking off the chinese food weight you gained, along with the weight this past relationship put on you. Now it’s time to relax and have some fun a little; so pop open some flirty rosé (and then immediately pour it out and buy yourself a nice red) and have a few laughs.
Who else could take you to the end of the road besides Mariah Carey AND Nicki Minaj? You got no time for bullshit, and if your ex or anyone else tries to come up to you and mess with your mind, you don’t got the time. The relationship has run its course and you’ve healed in more ways than one, and I mean—you’ve even started to flirt with other people (I’d put Circle of Life here, but Mariah hasn’t covered that—yet). Plus, this song is scientifically proven to make you feel 100% better and more confident about being in this stage; she mentions Harvard, so you know science is involved. AND I REPEAT, THIS SONG IS FEATURING NICKI MINAJ! She raps about TACOS.