7 Emojis I’m No Longer Speaking To

Flickr / Melissa
Flickr / Melissa

If you’ve ever watched a reality TV show, you know the fact that toxic people exist. They’re everywhere, at your dinner parties, fashion shows, fake philanthropy events—and in your phones. Yeah, you heard me. Emojis have long been seen as adorable little things that we use to clumsily flirt over text, or to trace the ancestry of Ariana Grande, the first human-emoji hybrid.

But after doing some #soulsearching, I realized the cruel intentions some of them really have inside. And it’s because of this that I’m starting to cut these toxic emojis out of my life, and I highly recommend you do the same.

1. Dancing Twins

Is it just me, or have the Dancing Twins been like, soo cliquey lately? I mean I get it, they’re identical and they’re both really good at dancing but maybe we can do something that I want to do one night? It’s hard enough being the odd one out in our GroupMe, but if you aren’t going to take my suggestion of going out for tapas seriously, you could have at least replied.

2. Hairflip Girl

Bitch is on my last nerves. I stuck by her when she gave me less time after she got super famous and was basically in everybody’s Instagram or Facebook (caption), but she completely forgot where she came from. I was there for her when she had alopecia and no one even gave her the time of day, and now that her hair is shiny and no longer falling out, I’m thrown to the curb? YOUR AURA SUCKS, HAIRFLIP GIRL!

3. Bride

BRAG MUCH?! We know she’s getting married in the summer and is serving organic trout for dinner with cupcakes for dessert in lieu of a regular cake because of how fun and original she thinks she is. And how do we know all this? Because it’s literally ALL she talks about. Like, ask how my day was or how many times I ordered takeout in a six-hour period (three, if you even care). Besides, who even eats trout? AND YOUR CUPCAKES ARE GOING TO SUCK.

4. Caterpillar

Not only is the Caterpillar creepy and forces me to look at it whenever I want to use the fun snowflake emoji, it also sets unobtainable body standards for people. None of us can look that skinny, especially me—I’m heavy boned!! And all the Caterpillar wants to talk about is how it’s going to turn into a butterfly soon. I mean, I hate the Bride and all, but scheduling the day you go from cocoon to butterfly on THE SAME DAY as her wedding is soo tacky.

5. All the suns and moons with faces

These are just super weird. And super sketchy. Like, why are you giving me side eyeshade? Isn’t the sun supposed to be like, the opposite of throwing shade? Plus, if you’re going to invite an eclipsed moon and sit next to it, why do you not even glance over in its directions? Pretty sure the moons would be on Emily Post’s shit list. And don’t even get me started on the fact that they didn’t even hire a babysitter and brought literally all their half-eclipsed moons. Do I really need that stress in my life?

6. Poop Face

Whenever I see the Poop Face emoji I react the same way I do when I see middle-schoolers in the street: I’m scared, I’m annoyed, and I think to myself, “They still exist?” And don’t tell me I’m the only person who hasn’t assumed that PF is deflecting for something—like try to come to terms with being poop AND THEN make a face at me, all right?

7. Slice of Cake

ENOUGH WITH THE FAT JOKES, YOU KNOW I’M WORKING ON IT! I never get that shade from the full cake; they let me do whatever I want. So I text the big cake with a glass of wine and some chocolate? C’EST LA VIE, OK? I don’t need someone else in my life trying to make me feel bad about myself; I’m already dealing with shit from the Caterpillar. TC mark

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