It’s almost that time of year—where we collectively rely on a man-made device (the calendar) to bring us the motivation we need to 180 our lives! While we’ll never really lose three pounds, call our mothers more or eat less fried rice for breakfast, I realized there is one area where we actually can improve upon ourselves—in our app choice. Leave your swiped right regrets and seven-layer filter pictures in 2014 and start the New Year fresh and with a few more mega-bytes of storage:
1. Dating Ones
It was cute, it was fun, it was harmless, and it was something to do while you were out for drinks. But now, Tinder has rode the “LOL” train as long as it could, and finally got off at “haha…” with no connection in sight (where am I going with this metaphor, ya’ll?).
I’m not saying it wasn’t fun while it lasted (because who didn’t love their fun and flirty summer of matching with 200 soul mates in a 30 mile radius>) but let’s grow out of it. Try meeting people in person, JK just learn to love yourself a la Whitney Houston and work on some projects (catching up on every Real Housewife franchise in between writing sentences in your Moleskine).
2. Anything About Your Horoscope
Honey, doll face, soul sister, don’t spend another $0.99 for an app with Zoosk ads at the bottom to tell you your moon says to take more chances, because let’s be real — it’s all a hoax and you interpret that to just drink more tequila anyway. I’m not saying I’ve never Googled my horoscope and have been like, “wow, maybe I should quit my job and move across the country, after all I am a Taurus” but lets save our money and time for the therapy we’ll all eventually end up needing for being co-dependent on horoscopes (and cell phones, but I digress).
3. The Ones That Are Supposed to Organize Your Life
I’m talking about the professional-looking to-do list one, the one that lets you organize all your apps and downloadable documents, and especially the ones that gives you the chance to move all your pictures into fun categories. Like, oh, my blurry pictures of people I don’t know are put together in one folder? Slammin! Cause really that’s the only kind of thing that gets photographed on iPhones anymore. Also, I didn’t get a smart phone and the life proof case to save it from when its thrown against bar jukeboxes all so I could download an app to disable Internet and texting to ‘focus on work.’ Besides, looking up Selena Gomez’s middle name is important for research—and trivia crack.
4. At Least Half Of Your Photo Editing Ones
Excluding Instagram, because that’s less about editing pictures and more so about stalking one-hundred animal accounts and that person you made out with two months ago (Fuck your locked account, I want to see what you ate for brunch!). Other than that, and like, another one that lets you make me look skinny (skinnier?!) in any picture, you should call it a day. If you’re old enough to operate a smart phone, you’re too old to draw hearts and put sparkles in your photos. Sorry, but save that for the vision board you make while drinking a bottle of screw-top Chardonnay, like AN ADULT.
5. Yik Yak (Whatever That Is)
My guess about what Yik Yak does is probably as accurate as my guess to what Gone Girl is about. I personally feel like a hero for getting through 2014 without knowing what either of these things are, but I just saw that I have a tab open on Safari about buying tickets to the midnight premier of Fifty Shades of Grey, so I’m just as awful as the rest of you. Cheers to 2015!