I Need More Than Your Arms Around Me

I wanted him to hold me
But deep down I was scared
Terrified that again
He would let go
The many words he gave me
That ended up broken
He had held me so close
Yet I always ended up
Released from his arms
But he tried again
Over and over
Again
To get me back
Into his arms
This time it will be different
And back I would go
I wanted him to hold me
And never let go
He asked me to come closer
His skin touched mine
And we intertwined
As if our skin had never been apart
He put his arms around me
Above my hips
Below my ribs
Around my waist
Close enough to my heart
Not close enough to my heart
The same room
The same ceiling
The same sheets
With hope that this time
It would be different
I was still
I was In love again
I was terrified
The same feelings
He held me
Intense eye contact
As I said
Hold me tighter
He pulled me closer
His arms locked around me
I said I need to feel it
To feel it tighter
I need the grip
Closer
I wanted to feel like
I couldn’t escape
He held me to a point
Where I could hardly take a breath
Like the first moment I saw him
Breathless
Can’t you feel me?
He said
I answered yes
But I need more
He asked
What more do you need?
I said
I need you to hold me
Not with your arms
But how I hold you
With my heart
Our skin still touched
But something shifted
He started slowly letting go
First the eye contact
Then the grip of his hands
He rolled to the side
His hand slid to my leg
Making distance
From my heart
I rolled onto my back
I was staring at the ceiling
The same ceiling that had seen me
This way
Many times before
I knew the next line
He said
I can’t do this
And for the first time
I couldn’t either
All I could think was
How did I let him do this?
Again
How did I do this to myself?
Again
I need you to hold me
Hold me with your heart
I can’t feel your arms anymore