1. Everyone is a yogi now.
I’m talking about the type of girl who says she has “mermaid hair”. You know, the type who instagrams photos of a candle and calls it spiritual? Please tell me more about your experience with psychedelics, flower child. Your hamsa t-shirt does not make you spiritual. The tiny Buddha figure you bought from Urban Outfitters does not make you a Buddhist. Oh, let me guess, you sometimes do yoga and only buy organic produce? Right, I’m sure, I can tell by that OM you tattoed on your wrist. You must be really enlightened. You and every other pothead with a really cool smoking pipe.
2. How everyone claims to be an intellectual or an artist.
I don’t know what it is about art and literature that has everyone going nuts recently. Have you noticed this? Everyone says they’re an aspiring writer now. Everyone worships the sex appeal of freakishly smart hot people. It has people saying things like, “I’m a writer”, “I’m a blogger”, or “I’m an artist”… when they’re really just majoring in photography, or are really good at reblogging gifs of French films on tumblr. It has people quoting Einstein, Nietzsche, Hemingway. The worst of the worst, is when people who have obviously never read a book start posting their “poetry” on facebook, and people who don’t know anything about poetry tell them it’s the best thing they’ve ever read. Your favorite writer is Hunter S. Thompson? I’m sure. Especially since you’ve only ever seen the movie, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
3. Everyone is super quirky.
It starts with, “I hate wearing pants.” and in a couple of weeks, we are witnessing a person who NOT ONLY claims to love cats to the point of asphyxiation, but they also have strangely developed a deep obsession with burritos and pizza. “Propose to me with pizza,” they’ll say. “I only want puppies and burritos,” they’ll tell you. Excuse me, but 20 minutes ago, everybody was a vegetarian. Now everyone’s obsessed with Chipotle to the point of making it a Facebook cover photo? Please. In six months, these people will latch on to whatever other food-fetish trend comes their way, and the pizza obsession will be something of the past. These people sometimes are also huge fans of Harry Potter, Doctor Who, and may or may not claim to play the ukulele.
4. Everyone is a badass.
Have you ever noticed the type of people who get tattoos are… everyone? So what’s so bad about it? Why are people still calling themselves badasses for having a tattooed arm, gauges, and a septum piercing? “New tattoo, this one really means a lot to me,” the caption reads underneath a photo of a tattoo of his parents’ initials. “Girly girls can have tattoos too,” reads the caption of a tattoo of a flower copied straight out of google images. Yeah, getting tattoos is how you express yourself, I get it. But is it really self-expression when I’ve seen that exact same tattoo on forty different people? Want to be really original, young badass? Tattoo something on your forehead. I love pain, I love sacrifice, I’m so cool. Do it, you prick. It’s the only way of truly being the individual you claim to be.
5. Everyone knows everything about politics.
Have you ever witnessed a political debate between the people you went to high school with on facebook? I recommend it. If you can participate in it, and stir them up, it’s even better. Suddenly, everyone knows everything about where the money in this country goes, about their rights, and about politicians. “Um, excuse me, I spend about 80% of my time reading about politics and our government,” I saw one girl claim once. Hey, this kinda ties in to #2 right? Oh, you READ? About POLITICS? Wow, you must be so educated, not at all like you just graduated from high school two years ago. Where did this keen interest in politics come from? The Daily Show? Your parents? Let me guess, you’re a feminist, too. If they’re not feminists, then they’re extreme conservatives who hate black people and women. There’s no in between when arguing with these people. There is never an in between when arguing with people who would die for the trends they follow.