You Forced Me To Find Myself

Two months.

Two months before we stood before God, our family, and our friends to start the rest of our lives.

You left.

A pain I never thought I would have to experience was overwhelming my body. A night terror I was expecting to wake up from – and NEVER did.

I didn’t realize I lost myself. I had no idea where I left me. I had no idea when I stopped pursuing myself. I thought I was okay. But i wasn’t and neither were you.

AND THAT IS OKAY. Realizing how true it is that it is okay not to be okay has been a challenge. I am used to being the strong one, the supportive one, the problem solver and the (as my family calls me) “wanna be people saver.” But I have not been those things for myself.

But sometimes you have to save yourself. So here I am.

Being thankful to serve a God who is so merciful, forgiving and shows so much grace is where I find my peace. I know there is a plan for me. I know there is a reason for this hurt. I know there is a light at the end of darkness. I know I was made for great things. I know how important self-love and self-worth is. Realizing things this way was not ideal.

I will thrive.

One of the truest things I have had to learn is that when you love someone so deeply it is so easy to lose track of yourself. We truly put the other’s needs before ourselves (as we should) but in doing so we forget about ourselves. We deserve the love we give even though that may not be what we receive.


Someone who loves you in the good seasons and in the dark ones. Someone who doesn’t leave when things get hard or heavy. Someone who will fight for you. Someone who will reassure you without you having to ask. Someone who will make sure you know your self worth. Someone who is just there. SOMEONE WHO NEVER LEAVES OR MAKES YOU WONDER.

I can not sit here and say thank you. I am not in a place to say I know where I belong. I am not able to say I love myself. Someday I will.

And maybe one day, I’ll thank you for this. Or maybe I’ll realize God had another plan all along.

i’ve been writing since i was 12

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