1. Life is too short to eat bad tomatoes. Don’t put them in the fridge, they will lose their flavor. If you’re making a sauce, use San Marzano tomatoes.
2. Whether you stress out about something or not, the outcome is still going to be the same.
3. If you want to turn a stranger into a friend, offer them a drink.
4. If you plan to drink all night, don’t mix dark liquors with light liquors.
5. Season just about any meal with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and a touch of olive oil, and it will be delicious (as long as you don’t burn it).
6. The older you get, the smarter I will get.
7. New Year’s Eve is for rookies — people who don’t go out all year pick this night to give drinking another try. So be careful, and avoid driving.
8. Go out on St. Patrick’s Day at your own risk. Be conscious of how drunk the people around you are, and try not to get thrown up on. Vomit is never fun to get out of clothing.
9. There are some foods that you can cheap out on, but cheese is not one of them. Please do not be tempted by that very inexpensive jar of Kraft Parmesan. There is something creepy about a cheese that doesn’t need to be refrigerated.
10. Always be kind. It makes it harder for people to be angry with you.
11. If you set something on fire in your toaster oven, do NOT put water on it, and don’t try to blow it out. Unplug it, and throw baking soda on it to put out the flames.
12. When someone puts you down, it’s really because they’re feeling bad about themselves.
13. Don’t heat your leftovers up in tupperware. It will save you from washing an extra dish, but it’s bad for the tupperware, and it makes your food taste like plastic.
14. Never go to a party empty-handed. A nice bottle of wine or dessert won’t go to waste.
15. Scotch is an acquired taste, but it’s a taste worth acquiring, since it won’t make you feel as hungover the next day.
16. If you’re not sure if a food has gone bad or not, take a big, deep whiff of it. You’ll have your answer.
17. Don’t drink well tequila. The few extra dollars are worth avoiding the worst hangover you will ever have.
18. Salt and lime are okay to use when you’re drinking Jose Cuervo, but those “training wheels” aren’t needed when you’re drinking something as smooth as Don Julio.
19. If something has got you down, come and drink tequila with me. You’ll feel better.
20. This too shall pass.