A Letter To Everyone Who Won’t Stop Asking Why I’m Single

To my circle of awesome friends who have recently become too concerned with my singledom,??

I love you guys, I do. I understand that you’re only trying to help. People like to see their friends happy — it’s practically a law of nature. And I love that you’re all happy in your newfound and/or long-term relationships, respectively. But make no mistake — on those Saturday nights that you’re all shacked up, I’m not shriveled up on my couch watching The Notebook, crying my eyes out, wiping my single tears with the fur of my cat. I’m out with whichever of you happens to be free that night, and if that’s no one, then I’m out with my roommates, my cousins, or my one remaining single friend. I’m out with my little brother, who just got a sweet fake ID, or with my little sister, who never gets ID’d. I’m out with whoever happens to be around that night — I’m lucky enough to have this option.

??I know why I’m single. I know that there’s nothing “wrong” with me. I like to date nerds, and approximately 86 percent of the nerds in New York City are taken. The other 14 percent aren’t out at the dive bars that we frequent, or the clubs that we can get into for free. I know where they are, and if I wanted to, I could go in search of them. They’re writing their novel in a coffee shop somewhere. They’re browsing used books at The Strand. On most nights they’re at home playing video games, or watching reruns of sitcoms. If they’re out, they’re probably at some boring, classy happy hour that we can’t afford. ??And don’t get me wrong — it’s nice of you to offer to head out to one of those classy happy hours with me. I appreciate that you’d sacrifice that 3-dollar bud light special to sip on a 26-dollar glass of Merlot. But that doesn’t sound appealing to me at all right now. It seems like an extreme measure for me to take at this point. It’s not that serious yet. Singledom at my age isn’t socially unacceptable. Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer when I hit thirty — although you all may be home with kids by then, in which case you’ll be obligated to set me up with their hot preschool teacher (they exist, right?).

??That’s another thing: Setting me up. I don’t want to date your boyfriend’s friends, no matter how awesome your boyfriend claims his “bro” to be. I especially don’t want to just sleep with them, either. You think that girls talk? Guys are way worse about keeping their sexual escapades a secret, and the last thing that I’d want is to be known in your boyfriends circle of friends as “your girlfriend’s friend who gives sloppy blow jobs” (untrue) or “that chick who didn’t spend enough time on top” (maybe a little bit true…). ??Stop asking me, “What was wrong with that guy the other night!?” whenever we meet someone out at a bar who you deem is a viable dating option for me. For starters, I wasn’t even paying attention to him — I was too busy enjoying the free happy hour that we won while screaming along to the genius lyrics of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” If I liked that guy, I would have awkwardly flirted with him, and then followed Carly Rae’s expert love advice and offered him my number.

“But he runs his own company, he just lost 30 pounds, he’s traveled all over the world, Donald Trump is his uncle!” Oh, really? How cool! But do you know why I didn’t know any of this? Because he was too busy hitting on YOU, hence why he was offering up all of these awesome little details about himself. You totally forgot to wear that flashing neon sign that I made you to indicate that you’re taken. But again, it’s OK! I don’t even remember which guy we’re talking about. ??Oh, and for the love of God – I’m done trying out the online dating scene, so please stop sending me the latest dating site to hit the web. Please stop asking me if I’ve checked that OKCupid account that you made for me. These messages aren’t even viable self-esteem boosters anymore — I thought I was done with the whole “yo ma wuz good hit me back sumtime” conversation when I stopped joining AOL chatrooms in the 90’s.??

Bottom line – I’m not actively looking for someone to share my Facebook relationship status with. I’m enjoying my 20’s, I’m partying my face off every weekend. There’s no need to feel bad for me, no need to make it your personal mission to set me up. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t take you up on the offer to meet a nerdy guy from your office now and then, but don’t go combing your floor in search of one. I’m happy with exactly the way my life is right now, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

??Love,?
Your friend Danielle??

P.S. Is it Friday yet?! TC mark

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  • Guest

    Why is it signed Danielle when your name is Erin?

  • Marly

    It’s okay. Half of your friends who’re in relationships right now will be broken up — or in different relationships — by the time y’all hit 30. Merlot for everyone!

  • http://twitter.com/Amphx AnnamariaPhilippeaux

    Why can’t I think this way!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/NX7KFVY2YTEHJCBPEJUISWU23E AshleyH

    Why is every other effing post on thought catalog about being single or an ode to a past relationship. I want to read some awesome variety, not another diary entry.

    Not to say this writing isn’t good. This article just happened to be the straw on my camels back.

    • Rishtopher

      Admittedly, I still read this stuff since it can be entertaining (as was this article), but I definitely agree with you. It kinda gives me the impression that everyone is obsessed with being single or trying to get over some recent (or not-so-recent) ex. This can’t be what everyone is thinking about all the time (right??). 

  • FrostBiteMe

    I’m not actively looking for someone to share my Facebook relationship status with. <–Genius!

  • KMG

    Dude.  I’m 30.  And being single is still kind of awesome.

    • Jackie

      samesiesssss

  • oneriver

    Those nights when I stay in, and write in my journal while listening to the newest Delta Spirit album, with my candle, and looking outside my awesome view from my window. By myself. Completely content, and happy to be alive. THATS why I’m single. So I can look back, when I eventually have someone and know that I knew enough about myself to completely give myself to someone else. 
    But until that point, let my body pillow be the one that will never stray my side please and thank you. 
    preach it sista!

  • Risk

    *Carly Rae Jepsen

  • Michaelquotes

    Her Erin,

    I just met you (via this post)…

    … and this is crazy…

    but here’s my number…

    … (xxx) xxx-xxxx…

    …so call me maybe.

    Sincerely,

    A nerd

    • Mike Rowave

      Your number is a bunch of x’s too? Man, that’s gonna get confusing when she calls…

  • http://www.facebook.com/josephbrillantes Joseph Brillantes

    It’s Carly Rae Jepsen. :)

  • Anonymous

    Don’t justify all their nagging with something eloquent like this, it makes it look like you DO care.  Just tell them that you’re a serial killer.  

    • MM

      someone’s trying to win the “Best May Comment” award…

      • Anonymous

        Someone’s trying to ride in on my coattails! 

  • SA

    PREACH.

  • Anonymous

    amen sista

  • http://twitter.com/LeelaChrista Miss Navarro

    Amen sista amen

  • http://nwairah.tumblr.com/ Nwairah

    Meh.

    Once you stop thinking about your singledom (whether positively or negatively) then the true fun begins.

  • Melissa

    The one thing missing about this is the FAMILY members who ask you why you’re single. Other than that, thank you for this. 

    • Ugh

      Oh my god if I had a dollar for every time a grandparent/parent/cousin/uncle/whatever asked me why I was single, I’d probably be rich enough to hire someone to clone me a boyfriend at this point. 

  • Suz

    Erin, get some new pals. These people you’ve surrounded yourself with sound like an absolute drag. Real friends would love that you’re single because it means they get more hang time with you. Think about it.

  • ruby

    sdfsd

  • observer

    Agree. I hate the pressure of being set up, and the assumption that I *want* a rebound and that I’m unhappy. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/manoj.venkat92 Manoj Venkat

    I’m a nerd and thanks for reaffirming my faith in girls. I’d love to see a male version of this article… or may be I could write one.

    • Anonymous

      I would love to read your version.
      PS: Nerds for some reason are truly hot guys, please don’t forget that. 

  • Stevero44

    I can’t tell if this is a humble brag or compliment fish

  • Dani

    Single people are always like ‘whatever, I get drunk more often than you and I PARTY MY FACE OFF. When was the last time YOU got drunk, you boring coupled-up bastard? I’m in my 20s and I’m living my life and I’m wasted even as I type this. Woo! WOOOOOO!’

    Stop trying so hard to defend your singleness. Surely writing a massive article about how ‘OK with being single’ you are…. I mean, it just smacks of ‘methinks the lady doth protest too much’ to me. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have written this.

    • Samuel

      Maybe the reason she feels she has to defend her singleness so vehemently is because of people in relationships being fundamentally unable to mind their own business and believe that their way of life ISN’T the only way.  (Also, the reason you get called a boring bastard, I imagine, has little to do with being coupled up, but rather because you have absolutely zero sense of humor.)

    • http://twitter.com/pardimate Steph Carcieri

       I kind of agree with this.  You partying every weekend doesn’t mean your life is awesome or you’re SOOOO happy.  If you stayed in reading a book or watching a movie with a friend would that make your single life any less fulfilling?

  • Anonymous

    df

  • m2sky

    This is so true all the time my friends try set me up, and when I meet new people one of the first things they ask is do you have a boyfriend? When I say no then they reply with ‘why?’
     Its as simple as I haven’t met anyone yet so I don’t get why I have to explain it, there is nothing wrong with being single! :D 

  • Shatha H.

    “Doth i protest too much” lol

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