To my circle of awesome friends who have recently become too concerned with my singledom,??
I love you guys, I do. I understand that you’re only trying to help. People like to see their friends happy — it’s practically a law of nature. And I love that you’re all happy in your newfound and/or long-term relationships, respectively. But make no mistake — on those Saturday nights that you’re all shacked up, I’m not shriveled up on my couch watching The Notebook, crying my eyes out, wiping my single tears with the fur of my cat. I’m out with whichever of you happens to be free that night, and if that’s no one, then I’m out with my roommates, my cousins, or my one remaining single friend. I’m out with my little brother, who just got a sweet fake ID, or with my little sister, who never gets ID’d. I’m out with whoever happens to be around that night — I’m lucky enough to have this option.
??I know why I’m single. I know that there’s nothing “wrong” with me. I like to date nerds, and approximately 86 percent of the nerds in New York City are taken. The other 14 percent aren’t out at the dive bars that we frequent, or the clubs that we can get into for free. I know where they are, and if I wanted to, I could go in search of them. They’re writing their novel in a coffee shop somewhere. They’re browsing used books at The Strand. On most nights they’re at home playing video games, or watching reruns of sitcoms. If they’re out, they’re probably at some boring, classy happy hour that we can’t afford. ??And don’t get me wrong — it’s nice of you to offer to head out to one of those classy happy hours with me. I appreciate that you’d sacrifice that 3-dollar bud light special to sip on a 26-dollar glass of Merlot. But that doesn’t sound appealing to me at all right now. It seems like an extreme measure for me to take at this point. It’s not that serious yet. Singledom at my age isn’t socially unacceptable. Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer when I hit thirty — although you all may be home with kids by then, in which case you’ll be obligated to set me up with their hot preschool teacher (they exist, right?).
??That’s another thing: Setting me up. I don’t want to date your boyfriend’s friends, no matter how awesome your boyfriend claims his “bro” to be. I especially don’t want to just sleep with them, either. You think that girls talk? Guys are way worse about keeping their sexual escapades a secret, and the last thing that I’d want is to be known in your boyfriends circle of friends as “your girlfriend’s friend who gives sloppy blow jobs” (untrue) or “that chick who didn’t spend enough time on top” (maybe a little bit true…). ??Stop asking me, “What was wrong with that guy the other night!?” whenever we meet someone out at a bar who you deem is a viable dating option for me. For starters, I wasn’t even paying attention to him — I was too busy enjoying the free happy hour that we won while screaming along to the genius lyrics of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” If I liked that guy, I would have awkwardly flirted with him, and then followed Carly Rae’s expert love advice and offered him my number.
“But he runs his own company, he just lost 30 pounds, he’s traveled all over the world, Donald Trump is his uncle!” Oh, really? How cool! But do you know why I didn’t know any of this? Because he was too busy hitting on YOU, hence why he was offering up all of these awesome little details about himself. You totally forgot to wear that flashing neon sign that I made you to indicate that you’re taken. But again, it’s OK! I don’t even remember which guy we’re talking about. ??Oh, and for the love of God – I’m done trying out the online dating scene, so please stop sending me the latest dating site to hit the web. Please stop asking me if I’ve checked that OKCupid account that you made for me. These messages aren’t even viable self-esteem boosters anymore — I thought I was done with the whole “yo ma wuz good hit me back sumtime” conversation when I stopped joining AOL chatrooms in the 90’s.??
Bottom line – I’m not actively looking for someone to share my Facebook relationship status with. I’m enjoying my 20’s, I’m partying my face off every weekend. There’s no need to feel bad for me, no need to make it your personal mission to set me up. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t take you up on the offer to meet a nerdy guy from your office now and then, but don’t go combing your floor in search of one. I’m happy with exactly the way my life is right now, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Your friend Danielle??
P.S. Is it Friday yet?!