1. “I’m just super busy right now.”
I’m not busy at all. In fact, I’m in a near coma on my couch watching the fourth consecutive hour of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I just don’t feel like texting you, probably because I’m not interested in you and definitely because the lives of these made-up characters are much more interesting than anything you will ever say.
2. “Age is just a number.”
Oh my god. Are you like, super old? Are you freakishly young? Why would you ask me if I think age matters in a relationship? Did my parents set you up with me? Are you that old? Wait, is that a grey hair?
3. “I’m weighing my options right now.”
I’m not at all interested in you, but I am interested in the dessert menu at this fancy restaurant you took me to. I wouldn’t dare sacrifice an intimate moment with the triple chocolate cake by telling you I think you’re boring and smell bad.
4. “Just wondering.”
I’m never just wondering about anything. The reason I asked you that extremely personal question is because I’m currently trying to decide if you might be a serial killer or if you are father material to my future children.
5. “My last relationship ended in a mutual split and there are no hard feelings.”
He broke my heart so I cut the tires on his Grand Cherokee. We’re now separated by a court-mandated 500 feet at all times.
6. “Sorry, my phone died!”
No, it didn’t. I just didn’t respond to your text because you’re literally the most boring person I’ve ever interacted with and I could care less that you got an avocado panini for lunch.
7. “I was at the gym.”
I was anywhere but the gym. Most likely somewhere with food and/or my bed. (‘And.’ It was definitely ‘and.’)
8. “I just thought of the weirdest thing.”
I saw something alarming on one of your social media profiles and I need to create an excuse to bring it up without you knowing I went through all of your tweets back to 2012.
9. “I’m not mad.”
I am fantasizing about killing you by axe murder for what you just did to me.
10. “Oops! Wrong person!”
I sent you that previous “accidental” text on purpose to make you think I’m dating other people. I will now evaluate your reaction to this F-up and decide whether or not you’re worth making jealous.