Full disclosure: I am a new mom. And while I would like to consider myself above the apparently inevitable transformation every woman-turned-mom experiences, I’m not. I’m just, so not. So instead of denying the motherhood metamorphosis that is my life, I’m making fun of it. Because when parenthood isn’t overwhelming or terrifying or fantastic or exhausting, it’s downright fucking hilarious.
1. The Unending Pictures of Exactly the Same Thing. The want, even the need, to post pictures of your offspring for all to admire is relatively understandable. Social media has become the go-to medium in which we stay in contact with friends, family and that one guy you slept with in Vegas and haven’t gotten around to deleting. However, the constant photographs of your kid making exactly the same face is borderline infuriating. People get it, your kid is cute. However, while you might be able to differentiate between the twelve pictures you’ve just posted, the rest of the child-less word can’t. They all look like the carbon copy images of a drooling mini-you caught in a perpetual state of constipation.
2. The Complaining. It’s never ending. The interweb-navigating world is constantly aware that you haven’t slept in two days and were hit in the face by a stream of urine with pin-point accuracy. But let’s be honest, when you aren’t cleaning up shit, you’re wearing your pajamas all day and binging on horribly addictive daytime television and wasting hours on pinterest. Most would say that’s a fair trade.
3. The Inability to Talk About Anything Else. To you, breaking news involves your baby’s latest bowel movement. It’s as if labor and delivery offered you a lobotomy for free and you obliged, probably to forget that you just pushed a human out of your vagina. Unfortunately, you also forgot how to care about anything other than your child which has left you void of any personality other than “overly-concerned mother”. Which, of course, is odd for the friends who distinctly remember when your only concern was paying an expensive bar tab or finding your apartment keys at the end of the night.
4. The Oversharing. So. Much. Oversharing. Most individuals thought, after that one time in college with the carpet cleaner guy, you didn’t have any shame to lose. Turns out, they were wrong. Posting information regarding the status of your vagina or involuntary flatulence seems second nature to you now. On the bright side, you’re probably contributing to the weight loss of countless friends given your now impressive ability to leave people appetiteless.
5. The Belief That No One Understands. Unless they’re a parent themselves, you’re of the belief that no one could possibly understand what it is you’re going through. Exhaustion? Nope. No one understands. Not the college student working full time or the veteran who had to stand post for two days straight. It’s impossible. Their exhaustion just isn’t the same.
6. The Constant Lying. According to you, your baby is perfect and your emotional state is perfect and everything in your procreating life is absolutely perfect. Oh, what a load of shit. It’s completely okay to admit that your child was being an asshole last night when he or she decided to shit all over a newly-changed diaper. You’re even starting to think they’re carefully calculating their blow-out number twos. And it’s fine to concede the fact that parenthood, sometimes, sucks an overwhelming bag of dicks. No one is going to judge you and if they do, well you have a plethora of shit stained diapers they’re welcome to munch on. So let’s just be honest, parenthood isn’t perfect. Neither are you, brand new mom. So laugh it off, because when parenthood isn’t overwhelming or terrifying or fantastic or exhausting, it’s downright fucking hilarious.