Has a previous lapse in birth control left you horribly uncomfortable for so long that the thought of pushing a human being out of your vagina actually excites you? Are you uncomfortably pregnant, nearing the painful-pushing end but unable to properly calculate how many weeks you have left thanks to a raging case of pregnancy brain?
Don’t worry girl, I got you.
You might be in the final two weeks of your pregnancy if…
1. You’re unable to capitalize on the only moments of carefree rest and relaxation you’ll likely experience for the remainder of your foreseeable future. A bulging belly and aching back and throbbing hips have you wide awake at 5:30 am, cursing the heavens in a caffeine-less rage of hormonal agony.
2. You sit around playing with your nipples like you’re a bloated extra in every man’s hyper-sexualized fantasy. Nipple stimulation can initiate labor-inducing contractions so you’re all about flicking those things like Ron Jeremy intended.
3. You’re constantly clenching your jaw. A relaxed mouth relaxes your pelvic floor so, naturally, you believe the exact opposite could stimulate labor. Now you’re a mindless, square-jawed nipple-flicker, resembling Hodor on the set of “Game of Thrones”.
4. You start answering every annoying question your friends and family have inevitably begun to ask you with “Hodor!” “Have you had the baby yet?” “HODOR!” “Are you nervous about the birth?” “HODOR!” “Would a double fudge chocolate chip brownie make it better?” “HODOR! HODOR! HODOR!”
5. After every pee-stream and bowl movement you examine the toilet for the slightest sign your unborn child has decided to get this show on the road. Your life now revolves around the potential expulsion of fluids. You realize this circumduct was nothing but inevitable.
6. You keep your house or your apartment or your loft completely spotless at all times. You could be rushing out the door, go-bag and anxiety in tow, at any moment, only to return with another human being you’re completely responsible for. You don’t want your baby judging you thanks to a pile of dirty dishes or unwashed laundry or that unfortunate ball of cat hair that seems hell-bent on dancing around your bathroom floor for all eternity.
7. You welcome unsolicited sex that’s otherwise reserved for the cutting-room floor of a Discovery Channel special on “Mating Mammals”. Testing your partner’s ability to find you sexy ever again seems worthwhile if the alternative means spending another two, possibly three weeks in a constant state of gestation. Hippo-inspiring though you may be, you’re hopping on that wood-ride like a lioness in heat.
8. You’re favorite pastime is walking. In fact, you’re obsessed. You contemplate buying a cold steel African walking stick and you explore the spiritual benefits of walking the earth and no, you don’t believe purchasing a pair of Crocs is taking it too far.
9. You could teach a class on proper exercise technique to the Kegel clueless. You keep a business proposal saved on your hard drive in case the kid becomes more financially taxing than originally thought.
10. You realize that the amount of absolute love you feel towards your child is already unfathomable. You’ll wear Crocs on endless walks or you’ll play with your nipples until you wish boobs came without or you’ll welcome endless, sleepless nights, all because it means you’ll finally get to meet them.
So, you’re probably in the last two weeks of pregnancy if you’re actually waiting and wanting and hoping to experience an unbelievable amount of notoriously excruciating pain.
Don’t worry girl, soon it will be over and you’ll be a mom. An actual, real-life, full-fledged mom.
I just can’t help you prepare for that.