The Inner Monologue Of A Rape

What is going on?

This can’t be, he’s joking, he’s just….he just….this can’t. Say no again. Louder. LOUDER. Say it again maybe he didn’t hear say it again maybe he just doesn’t know. Say it like you’re mad. Mad and scared. Mad and scared and in danger. Say it again.

What are you how are you why are you stop stop stop. Get off of me don’t touch me stop touching me. Stop. Touching. Me. Stop.

Shit, he isn’t stopping. What are you going to do he isn’t stopping he won’t stop you can’t make him stop what are you going to do? What am I going to do? How can I….

Fuck. Ok, beg. Now you need to beg. Please, just listen to me. He isn’t listening. Maybe he will listen. Oh no, he’s not listening he won’t listen he doesn’t want to listen. Will anybody listen? Can anybody listen? Oh my god I am alone. I. Am. Alone.

Ignore him. Close your eyes tighter. Ignore him don’t hear him don’t feel him ignore him. Kick girl kick. Kick until he forces you to stop. Kick and kick and ouch fuck stop ouch you’re hurting me ouch.

Ignore the pain. Don’t stop fighting. Come on focus focus focus. You can breath, it’s ok. Focus and calm down and breath. He can’t take your air it’s ok, ignore his smell ignore the weight just breath, girl, breath. Now kick again. Bite. Harder. HARDER.

Fuck ouch god fuck you’re hurting me stop stop stop pulling my hair I’m sorry I won’t bite you again stop fuck stop. Don’t look at his eyes. Close your eyes. Don’t look. Don’t remember. You won’t want to remember. Keep it all black and stay in the dark and breath. Just breath.

Oh god my pants. Please not my pants not my thong please stop please don’t please. Kick again girl. Come on, fight. Fight fuck him fuck him FUCK YOU kick girl kick bite scratch come on you can do it come on. Fuck you, you fucking asshole. No no stop please ouch ok ok stop ouch god fuck please stop ok ok I won’t move please stop.

Close your eyes. Keep them shut. It’s going to be ok.

No. Fight. Come on kick more bite more come on. Yell scream beg plead stop stop stop this has to stop stop stop. Noise. What was that? Who was that? The door. Oh my god the door. The door there’s someone at the door oh god please help me.

He’s off of you get up. Get up. GET UP. The corner of the bathroom it’s dark go run go hide go curl into nothing go go go.

Oh thank god. Thank you. He wouldn’t let me leave. He wouldn’t let me leave. Call the police please help me stop crying please help me stop shaking please help me. Please help me.

The police are here, thank god. You can calm down now. Breathe. Breathe it’s ok they are here you are safe it’s ok. Tell them the truth don’t lie it’s ok it’s not your fault. Yes, god, I shouldn’t have had that seventh or eighth drink. Yes, I knew him but I guess I didn’t know him. I know I had a lot to drink I know I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t have if I didn’t then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I know officer. Yes, I would say I was drunk. I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Oh my god. What is going on? TC mark

image – Merra

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