I’ll try my hardest with the greatest of intentions and clean-slate affirmations but it won’t matter. Subtle hints under candy-coated mannerisms or absent life experiences or perfectly unscathed skin will stop me from putting my trusting eggs in your promising basket. Perhaps it’s judgmental. Surely it’s conjecture. Either way, it’s intelligent.
1. You don’t have at least one tattoo. Anyone who decides to forgo beauty because of too much pain will never understand my self-destructive tendencies or masochistic impulses. You also, probably, won’t appreciate my numerous skim emblems.
2. You’re happy all the time. If you truly believe the glass is always half full you’re nothing more than a walking pair of rose-colored glasses, incapable of living in reality or embracing the darkness of life or sinking in the sweet loneliness of pain.
3. You’re a morning person. Anyone who wakes up full of delighted promise, when the complexities of that day are a complete mystery, is clinically insane. You can prepare for the night with drinks and makeup and run-ins and music, but the morning? Without three cups of coffee how can you possibly prepare for a sunrise? Or me?
4. You don’t drink whiskey. If your pinky is out when holding a martini or your tongue craves the sweet simplicity of some fruit-labeled cocktail, I’m clearly too much for you. While you prefer a sweet kick I demand a harsh burn and those two never mix.
5. You don’t like sports. If the draft doesn’t get you hard and the postseason doesn’t turn you on and a touchdown doesn’t feel like an orgasm, you’ll never handle me in the bedroom. If you can’t play a shit talking game of tit for tat, believing you capable of handling serious conversations is impossible.
6. You refuse to read a book. How can you be reliable without knowing Faust or meeting Holden or understanding Atticus? If you haven’t cried a Million Little Pieces or valiantly fought windmills or burned 451 degrees Fahrenheit, you cannot possibly be entrusted with my heart.
7. If you don’t completely disregard this list. If you can’t stand toe-to-toe and push when I pull and call me out on my ridiculous judgements and disprove my natural conjectures…
How can I trust you at all?