They Never Write About What It’s Like To Lose A Best Friend

Break ups always seem to be about a boy or a girl who left scrapes on your heart and left you questioning about whether there is such a thing as true love. But what about the people who left your life and make you question whether true friendship exists? What if you had given everything to your 10+ years of friendship and one day it was just over?

Well, it happened to me. And let me tell you that I have never felt more shattered in my entire life. I’ve spent nights lying awake at night questioning what went wrong. I’ve tried to convince myself that it isn’t my fault, and it isn’t hers, but maybe it is. Maybe we have never loved each other like we expressed. Because growing apart is not something two best friends do.

Lately, I’ve been feeling clueless. The moment I close my eyes, I have gut-wrenching dreams of us. The fact that we are no longer friends haunts me throughout the day and unconsciously. I wake up every morning terrified of my surroundings. To be honest, some days I don’t know where I am. And sometimes I feel like I’m continuously sinking down under. My life never depended on her, but now that we are no longer connected, I feel empty. And I guess you can say it’s normal to miss someone you are so close to. But is it normal to feel this for a year now?

I sound like a girl who fell in love with her best friend. How can someone be so attached platonically, right? Wrong. It’s just that, honestly, I haven’t found another human that I can relate to as much as I did with her. It’s hard to find someone I feel comfortable with. I rarely open up to new people I meet, in fear that if I do, one day our relationship will turn to dust. I know it’s wrong to think this way, but I am left with devastation, and I can’t bear to feel something like this all over again with another human.

It saddens me that all we have are our memories. We promised each other that we would continue to make new ones together. We would never let something come between us. So, why, why did we let something come between us? I have tried so hard to mend the brokenness, but I’ve realized, sometimes, you really can’t fix what’s been broken. No matter how hard you try to glue together pieces of crushed glass, it will never look like how it was before it shattered.

And sometimes, maybe we just can’t fix it at all. The pieces are too small and splintered to even use glue. Maybe we just should move past it. I think that’s the hardest part is letting go of something you loved more than yourself. It’s crazy to think that I have loved her more than myself. But really, I would do anything to keep my best friend happy before myself. Maybe that’s where I went wrong.

I guess it’s time to close the book and hold on to the memories. No matter how devastated I feel, I have to remember that it isn’t the end of the world. One day I will find someone who I can share a tub of ice cream with and feel comfortable to make fun of like I have with her. We’ll be honest with one another, and I will be able to trust her with all my secrets. Until then, I will focus on myself. I will figure out what makes me happy. Soon, a best friend will walk into my life to add to that happiness. At least I hope so. TC mark

featured image – Brittani Lepley

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