From the beginning, I knew that you were never the one for me, but your gravitation towards me eventually reeled me in enough to give you a chance. I gave you a year full of chances, and no matter how many times you’ve hurt me, lied to me, and played multiple games with me, I never stopped wanting to be by your side.
There was something about you — whether it was the way I felt most comfortable with you, or the way I knew that how you were treating me was not the person I knew you could be. And that made me stay. I always believed in you. I spent all of my time thinking about you and ways to make you happy. I virtually turned into a ghost, my mind was so consumed by thoughts of you. My friends spent months trying to get me away from you, because they knew something was going on. Maybe I was too blinded to see it. Maybe I was dumb.
My best friend finally confessed that you’d flirt with her. That she’d flirt back. This was still while you were playing games with me. I was crushed, of course, but friendship is worth more than that, isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be? So instead of fixing us, I focused on fixing my friendship. Maybe I thought that meant more to me. Maybe I took for granted the idea that you would always be around. Because in all that time, I never could get away from you. In actuality, I never wanted to.
I know attraction is all about timing, and to an extent, you can’t help who you like, but you can help acting on it. I just never wanted to believe that you liked someone I was so close to when you were still with me. I knew by the way you’d speak about her and how you would go to endless extremes for my her that you truly did care about her. And for the first time, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder. It was the first time I felt like I could move on.
How can you go from being lovers to friends, especially when you’ve been rejected repeatedly? My best friend always told me that I could never be a friend to you because I would always want to be something more. She told me I’d always remember how intimate I’ve once been with you. If we were to see each other often, I’d instantly be hurt because I’d reminisce on all the memories we once shared. But no matter how much I respect her opinion, I believe she is completely wrong.
It’s weird, but after a year together, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe we were supposed to end up becoming good friends, and maybe faith had put us together so you could meet my best friend. And after thinking about it, I noticed how all I ever really wanted was to have some sort of bond with you and for you to respect me in the end. If I show you that I can be a great friend, then I can forget about our broken romance. To me, friendships and being there for people through all the pain you experience is so important to me. Because I still know that no matter what, you’d be there for me if I needed you, as I would for you. I don’t want to be selfish and ruin something great, even if it isn’t my something great. I can’t be that girl, I won’t be. And if that’s settling for second-best, then so be it. But it’s also sacrificing for happiness.
No matter how much my best friend denies it, I know she likes you, too, and that by not being with you, she is only being a good friend to me. It’s not fair for me to say you two can’t be together because of our failed relationship. So what if we had a past? You may have a future.
I know I told you it hurt me, because it did once, but I’m okay now. And I realized that no matter what, I want to be in your lives. Don’t push me away because you think it’ll hurt me. I want to watch you both grow together. I can’t be the person who hears about your exhilaration through the voices of others. You don’t owe me your honesty — it’s your relationship after all — but it’d be nice to have. I’d like that.
You always told me that I was strong, and I never believed you when you said it. But maybe this is strength. Maybe this is maturity. Because no matter what, I will always love you both to an endless extent, even if it means learning to be good friends with the jerk who I know loves my best friend.