I remember when I was the chubby middle school girl while you were the older, cooler high school boy. A friend of my brother’s who would sometimes come over to watch all those football games or to play video games with my brother. You would never take a second glance at me. I mean who would; I was the ugly, much younger middle-school girl with braces. Then again, I never wanted you to even look at me; I thought you were weird and unattractive. So, I guess we were on the same page.
While growing up, I never thought about you much. When someone brought you up I would laugh and remember how weird you used to be. I reminisce on all those moments where I said I would never want to be with a guy like you, that I was so much better and you were just that ugly, weird guy who knew my brother.
But then, we crossed paths one night. You said a few short words to me and that’s what began your pursuit for me. At first I was disgusted. The way you looked and acted turned me off and it had always turned me off. I tried to run away from you the second you spoke to me. And I did. I responded and walked away.
That didn’t stop you from trying to grab my attention. After countless of conversations with you, I realized that you weren’t that horrible guy. You actually seemed sweet, nice, and genuinely interested. I wasn’t opposed to speaking to you anymore. I really wanted to be your friend.
And that’s when it all began. When I began to accept you despite everyone’s negative connotations of your appearance. When I began to accept that I didn’t care if everyone around us forbade spending time with you because you were friends with my brother. I didn’t care that our friendship would be so complicated and stressful.
After the first couple of months of us hanging out, I knew that your intentions were never the same as mine. I also never believed that I would change my expectations of what I had wanted with you – to be just friends – but eventually, after the first couple of kisses and the butterflies that would burst through my stomach, I knew I wanted more.
No one could know of our hidden romance. The way we would sneak around to see each other. Although you’ve told me you could never be committed to me because your relationship with all your friends and my brother would be jeopardized, I still was heartbroken when I found out that you were seeing another girl while continuing to see me. She believed you two were “official” while you never told her that you were and continued to see me. I didn’t understand and would continue to question why you would still want to be with me when you had a wonderful, beautiful girl in your presence. You could have had it all and more.
Because we were unable to tell people about us, I looked like the “other woman,” when in actuality, I was in your life to begin with, while she came into the picture and turned our story upside down. At the end of the day, I could never stop seeing you even when I knew you had another woman in your life. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I couldn’t suppress my feelings for you. Because I will always know that there is something driving you to be with me. I know it is not the “thrill” of being together because everything is in secrecy. I know it is not because of sexual favors, because you are getting none. There is something that makes us stick together like perfect puzzle pieces. Regardless of the amount of woman you may be with in the future, there is that certain drive that constantly makes you think of me and miss my presence. And I know, no matter what, it will always be there.
And maybe I am foolish for falling for you, for believing that despite the amount of pain that I endure is worth it all. And although I know that you are now willing to take that step with me, to tell everyone of our history, you will be forced to let me go. But what I’ve learned through this entire experience is that you are not only worried about the perception people will see of us, but you are also terrified of getting hurt. I know you believe you are unworthy of girl like me; that you will screw our relationship up if you decide to commit to me. You are an unstable mess who warrants all the happiness like the rest of us.
I have tried unbelievably hard to get you to grow out of your insecurities, but I’ve realized that is beyond my control. So maybe, when you get rid of your fears towards commitment, fate will bring us together. But for now, I need to move on with my life. I can’t stop mine to fulfill yours. I too deserve some stability. I need to learn that you may probably never achieve it if I am still in your life.
A forbidden romance cannot last forever.