Have you ever felt like something wasn’t right for you but you still continued to pursue it? You knew deep in your bones that there would be no happy, forever ending; you knew that one day things would eventually change; hearts would be broken and opposite paths walked upon, but you still chose to stay, to see what could come of it?
Or maybe you were just scared of the sadness that would dawn if you broke things off before something triggered you to. Even the things that aren’t for us still hold places in our hearts. Even the people that we know hold expiration dates in our lives, we will still miss.
Why is that though? Why is it when we know we want more, when we understand that something is missing, when there’s this silent yet urgent voice in the back of our minds pushing us toward the unknown, we still choose to stay? Why is the comfortable more appealing than the undiscovered, solitary path? Why does heartbreak and loneliness have to be so dreaded when you know it’s the only way out of something you’re not entirely happy with?
There have been many times in my life where I’ve mulled over the idea of leaving a past boyfriend because nothing was necessarily wrong, but everything just wasn’t right. I’ve always found that to be the hardest situation to remove myself from because I was giving up something that was secure and familiar and in most cases, made me happy, but just not as happy as I knew I could or wanted to be. And there was always that second voice that would ask me if I’ll ever really find what I’m looking for when I did finally leave.
It’s easy to walk away from someone who’s betrayed your trust, lied to you or proved you right for having suspicions about them, because there’s always that anger to hold on to – the resentment that fuels your independence and sparks fires of change.
It’s been those precise situations in my life that have been some of the most revealing and satisfying. How empowering it is to take back your freedom and choose to face the unknown with a bravery so vast it encompasses the whole of you. How interesting it is to watch yourself unfold in beautiful shapes and forms that you wouldn’t have known otherwise without your own undoing?
I’ve come to learn that it’s not only the moments when we place one foot after the other and continue down our own path where the most learning and beauty occurs. There is an artistry that exists within the space of not wanting to be in a particular situation anymore and not yet being ready to leave. We have to respect and honor that space as much as the parts of ourselves that are brave enough to make the fearful change.
If you really think about it, what would this life be if we didn’t experience the in between? How would our lives look if we left a situation the moment we thought we could be happier elsewhere? What would it feel like to always act on the warring voices inside our minds without taking the time to be present to all that currently is? Even if all that currently is is not exactly all that you’re wanting to experience.
Honor this space, where you are right this moment, with the respect and admiration that a thirteen year old version of yourself would have at the life you are living. Let go of believing that things need to be a certain way because you’ve decided that that’s how it has to be. When you can learn to love the process of things, the beginnings and in between’s, without always rushing toward the end result, then even your own uncertainty becomes a beautiful space for you to revel in.
Revel in all of this, in all that is, for this is your one, cherished life. All of your moments deserve to be loved.