When you’re not really noticing, I’m going to look at you like the first drop of rain in a drought – with gratitude, eagerness, wonder, and the type of excitement that feels safe, because you’re guaranteed it’ll end with at least just a bit more peace in your heart.
And when you are looking I’ll try to be the person you admire that enhances the very best out of you and provides you with the missing pieces.
I’m going to spend a few minutes every single day planning something for you. Tiny little actions, like an unexpected kiss, a new bra, a small gift, a compliment, a snack, an errand you needed to run complete, to show you that “hey! I learned to play a chord in the guitar for you!” or show you I remembered what team your favorite football player belongs to. Tiny little actions that I’ll hope make your day little better, that will make your heart a little happier, that will remind you without fail that I appreciate you, think you’re important, and deserve joy even in the most ordinary days.
I’m going to remember a running list of small facts about you, that are inconsequential to any future conversation, but that when I remember at random make you raise your eyebrows with a tad of shock at my good memory. Though you don’t know that it’s 50% due to my desire to know your history as if it was my favorite book.
I’ll help you plan our dates, and I’ll plan many of my own, to share the love of my interests with you and to show you that I’m genuinely interested in yours. And I’ll be excited about any date you plan. Even if it turns out a bit lamer than if I would have done it. Just kidding.
I’ll give you something meaningful for every birthday, every Christmas, and every valentine. Along with a cheesy card with a bad joke in it about kittens or pandas.
I’ll sit through the awkward family dinners, scream obscenities when your favorite team loses (even when you’re not around), put up with your awful boss at your holiday party by your side, try not to fall asleep watching golf with you, and hug you just a little tighter than usual when you are having a particularly terrible day and don’t have many more nice words or actions to give me like you usually do.
I’ll teach you how to dance like no one’s watching — even if they are, and how to make that dessert you were always curious about, I’ll show you those songs you never knew about before that you now adore, and force you to take my gym class that you said you hated but I know you secretly liked. And more importantly – I’ll teach you how to be fearless; how to take a leap of faith sometimes, not knowing if there’ll be a safety net waiting for you.
I’ll be overwhelmed by a sense of peace when you decide to hold my hand at random times. And desperately try to shine that feeling off to you, hoping you feel just a little bit safer with me too.
I’ll ask about that ambition that’s been in the back of your mind for a while from time to time. To resurface it, to encourage you, and to make sure you’re 100% sure that I believe with you and will be by your side as you tackle your next big challenge.
I’ll ask for your honest opinion about my future plans, and put high weight on your opinion because I’m aware you have my best interest at heart.
I’ll be terrified when I ask you if you want to meet my friends and family, because my hands shake at the thought of bringing a man wholly into my world. Because I never knew when and if it would ever happen and then I’ll feel like I’m playing a delicate game of tetris I wouldn’t want to lose.
And I’ll do things that make you mad sometimes – routine things that have been my way for so long, I struggle to change them – like leaving my coat in the living room and getting stressed when I don’t find my house keys. And maybe I was supposed to let you know that I would be home late because my friends got me distracted with a couple too many whiskeys. Or I went shopping and forgot to invite you along. Or hired a cat sitter instead of trusting you to take care of my cat.
It’s not that I do any of them on purpose, I just don’t remember the way that “things” are supposed to work when you love someone this much. I’ll remember soon enough, just like you’ll remember one day to put the toilet seat down or to not leave your tea bag in your mug.
And when we get into a fight, I’ll say sorry at some point. Even if you really screwed up my feelings and I’m apologizing for leaving your car window open. And I’ll say sorry genuinely and endlessly, if I was the one that for whatever reason managed to hurt yours.
But make note that I expect you to accept my apologies, the way that I will accept yours.
And I expect you to let me down easy if this were ever to end….when this might end. And to accept my reasons and grievances if I were the one that happened to give up on us.
But no matter how many years, or months, or weeks this lasts, I want you to know that you revived me.
That you validated my best thoughts about myself and helped me deflect all my insecurities and weaknesses. That you were my hero when I was my worst enemy. That you were my rock that made my world just a bit stronger. And you were exactly what I needed most at a time in my life when I thought I had just about it all.