8 Foolproof Ways To Stay Depressed


1. Degrade Yourself And The Way You Feel

Make sure to put yourself and the way you’re feeling down as often as possible. Remind yourself that you’re worthless and inconsequential to society despite all the evidence to the contrary. In fact, if there’s any way to destroy that evidence, do that. Tell yourself that you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and that you should toughen up. Call yourself a pussy.

2. Hole Up

Romanticize your couch. Make it and Netflix your new best friends. Forget about how gross you feel after a full day spent on it and in front of a screen. Assume it’s exactly what you want to do, every single day. If anybody reaches out to you, ignore them. Let your social anxieties be your excuse to never leave this place. Forget about how much you love spending time with your friends, in fact, forget you have friends. Tell yourself you have no friends. Yeah, that’s good.

3. Feel Guilty About Everything

Feel guilty for losing touch with people. I mean really beat yourself up for it. Call yourself a terrible person. Also, feel guilty for feeling sorry for yourself. In fact, feel guilty for absolutely everything you’ve ever done and internalize that guilt, make it a part of you. Forget all the good things you’ve done in your life, forget all that you’ve accomplished. Forget the fact that you’re a good person and that guilt is a worthless emotion for good people like you. Forget that you’re awesome, convince yourself you’re an asshole.

4. Remind Yourself That Your Problems Aren’t Unique And Therefore Aren’t Important

Think about all the reasons you feel the way you do and then tell yourself that your problems aren’t special therefore you have no good reason to feel this way. Make this the reason you hide your depression from everyone else, tell yourself your problems will sound stupid and petty even to the people who love you the most and know you better than to think anything you feel is stupid or petty. This is also a great reason not to seek therapy. Think to yourself that a therapist would laugh at you because your problems are so cliché. Tell yourself that because your problems aren’t unique, they’re also not real. As a side note, don’t let the fact that your problems aren’t unique be an excuse to seek the insight or success stories of those who’ve faced similar issues. Don’t do anything that will make you feel less alone in this. It’s very important that you feel alone in this.

5. Assume That Your Family Is Disappointed In You

This is vital. Put hateful words in the mouths of your loved ones. Imagine them telling you that you’re a disappointment, that they can’t love you when you’re acting like this. At all costs, do not talk honestly to your loved ones about the way you’re feeling. It will almost definitely make you feel better. Just put words in their mouth without actually speaking to them.

6. Don’t Exercise. Hate Yourself For Not Exercising.

It’s important that you feel gross, so only think about how much work it is to exercise, not how great it makes you feel afterwards. Don’t forget to look at yourself in the mirror and call yourself fat and gross every once in awhile. Go ahead and say it out loud, don’t be shy, if you’ve followed these guidelines then there shouldn’t be anyone around to hear it.

7. Find Videos, Songs And Pictures That Will Make You Cry

You already feel sad, but why not push the envelope a little. Google “10 saddest songs ever” and listen to all of them. Make a day of it. Go through your facebook pictures, not as a way to remind yourself of all the fun times you’ve had with people who care about you, but to remind yourself of all the worst moments of your life and all the people you’ve disappointed. Do everything you can to make yourself cry and remind yourself of why you’re depressed. Don’t let yourself naturally get over whatever you’re trying to get over, find new and creative ways to keep it fresh in your mind.

8. Assume That The Way You Feel Is Permanent

Don’t tell yourself that everything is temporary, that even the strongest feelings, negative and positive, pass with time. Avoid perspective at all costs. Just let yourself drown in this puddle. Assume this is how you will feel in a month, a year, ten years, and for the rest of your life. Resign yourself to your depression, make it a part of you and don’t let it be something that makes you a stronger and better person down the road. TC Mark

Daniel Waters is a 20something writer hard at work trying to maintain all of his contradictions. He insists that if he could just spend 5 minutes alone in a room with Jennifer Lawrence then they’d really hit it off.

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